I Hate You!

I am having another weak moment. Maybe it has something to do with the 14% extra gravitational pull from the recent supermoon. Please therefore go easy on me with this post!

I know I am and we are on the road to recovery. I know that in order to keep growing stronger individually and together as a couple I need to push these thoughts away. But it is so frigging hard.

I blame my husband first and foremost for the hurt he has caused me from this affair. He had made horrible choices and we both have to live with it for the rest of our lives and accept that it is a long and difficult journey with no guarantee.

However, I am still stuck when it comes to her. I just can’t cant seem to get “her” out of my head. Thoughts and images of her still haunt me on a daily basis. All of the pictures that my husband took of her, the sexy and cute ones that she had sent to him…her loving words in her messages, letters, cards, emails…the memories of all of the interactions between her and my husband…I just wish I was strong enough to resist letting all of these flashes of her into my world. They sear through my being and I am trying so hard to fight them off, but unfortunately I am still not strong enough.

I will NEVER forgive her even if she owes me absolutely nothing and has no direct ties to me. Despite all of what my husband has done to us and me (and he does take full responsibility for his actions)…She TOO is NOT a good person and has stolen something special from me that I can never get back. The innocence of my certainty of our marriage and what it once was. My trust, security and safety are all gone! My heart is broken into pieces. None of it was hers for the taking. She played a significant role in encouraging my husband to cross the line…over and over. I know he allowed her in and as a result let her take advantage of him and by association us. He allowed her to steal precious quality time with him away from us and break down our beautiful bond that we once shared. But she was there on the other side with her “bits” hanging over his head luring him into her web. She took full advantage of our marriage being vulnerable and went in for the kill without any remorse.

I will never lower myself to her level…but I am still hurting and simply hate her. I often wish she could read my blog to see all of the pain and damage that she has caused. Not that she would care. Her parents must be so disappointed that she turned out this way.

The below link is similar to the way I feel…just because!

Here ya go Ms. B! and YES…I HATE YOU!!

After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!

“Watch Out for the Under Toad!”

Just when I think I am doing so well…a teeny tiny “straw” breaks the camel’s back and I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat.  I am trying my hardest to not let myself go backwards, get caught in the current and drown in the overwhelming undertow of my insecurities and horrible memories of the affair and setbacks that have taken place over the last 10 months. I keep reading that “we Betrayeds” MUST fight the urge to allow ourselves to think about the past, dwell on what has happened and relive the pain over and over…as it isn’t doing any of us any good whatsoever. However, for some sick macabre reason I sometimes catch myself caught up in the immense current of my negative thoughts. Maybe this is how Garp felt in his life while dealing with his “Under Toad” (from the story “The World According to Garp” by John Irving).

I believe it is a combination of many microscopic to woolly mammoth sized triggers and vulnerable moments that weaken my “firewall” and allow these dark hurtful thoughts to seep in and enable me to overthink things way too much and unnecessarily so. Yet here I am…fighting the urge to go “there”, losing the battle and end up hiding the tears that well up in my eyes and tolerating the large painful knots in my stomach. Trying not to pay attention to the never ending flashes of the affair, the hundreds (400+) of souvenir photos that they took to reminisce together each of their romantic escapes, the cute and provocative emails and messages shared right under my nose…all of the hurtful things he repeatedly did with her and all of the dignity that he allowed the both of them to strip away from me…even if she doesn’t owe me anything at all. They ALL zoom around in my thoughts like a laser show in the sky when I get weak.

Triggers. I have been trying to fight off so “freaking” many of them. TV shows, movies, random innocent comments made by friends and our kids, almost all of the popular songs on the radio, every morning when I open our blackout curtains, our cute little dog that she picked out (the dog that my kids adore…the same dog that is still in one of her flipping social media profile pictures and the one I greet every morning), several thoughts of her unfortunately lurking around in my sub conscience…I truly don’t want to give the affair or her any more power than they already have in my mind, and yet here they are…sneaking in through my oh so very weak and vulnerable areas.

Some may say I welcome these thoughts…who knows…maybe the sicko in me does? However, I do know that my husband and I are doing really well. We are communicative, doing fun things together and extremely attentive and loving with each other…I guess things seem too good to be true maybe? Or maybe I have been burned so badly that I just expect something bad to soon happen again? Or it is the pangs from all of the raw scars that still lurk around that hit me when I least expect it. I try to fight them with all my might…but sometimes I lose and get sucked right into the force from that @#$%^&**&^%$#  “Under Toad”. I need to find the escape route fast from this wasteland of hurt and TRY my hardest to never look back.

In my husband’s so-called 10 page apology….aka “love story”…it started out with a warning – saying that most often it isn’t the affair that kills a marriage, but how the Betrayed manages and deals with the aftermath is what determines the outcome. I remind myself of this daily…but the human in me often wins because I can’t help but want to “go there”…where I should just let bygones be bygones and get on with life. Sad that “we Betrayeds” have to deal with this “killer” and keep it at bay before it kills us. We all know it almost did before and very well could try to do it again. There is simply no guarantee. (I grew up! Remember?)

I don’t want to be like Garp and let this anxiety and fear suck me under, only for me to realise when it’s too late. I don’t want to let this strong current drag me down as I am only allowing it to try and derail our relationship from recovering, rebuilding and becoming even stronger. If I am not careful – it could even push us toward a deathtrap where it cannot be ever mended. I need to just STOP and let life happen as it should. This is easier said than done and believe me I AM trying to LET IT the F@#K GO!!!

YES – I AM a continued work in progress…

Maybe I should call Ms. B…”the @#$%^&* Under Toad”!!!!

“What If?”

Well my Husband advised that he didn’t want to read her birthday card message claiming he wasn’t interested in what she had to say and was convinced that her words were only manipulative and she is clearly disillusioned. A part of me thinks she was lead to believe what she wrote due to the “spell” they were both under. Another part of me also knows what she is capable of and is fully aware of her being up for the task of making my husband a “dishonest” man once again. Regardless of it all, her actions are still disrespectful to all intended. She just needs to go away and accept what’s done is done and stop being this selfish beeaatch that continues to hurt innocent people and drag everyone down with her.

My husband decided on his own initiative  to write her an email before he returned to his office…telling her thank you for the card…that we are doing really well and love each other…that he “REGRETS” the affair and causing me so much pain and hurt over the past two and half years…that he has chosen not to read the card and feels they should no longer communicate at all…he then closed off by wishing her and her husband only the best and a happy arrival for their baby.

He shared this message with me before sending it and I thought it was a strong and respectful message.I thought to myself she was so lucky to receive such a nice email considering all she has played a part in to cause so much hurt, pain and disrespect. However, he had second thoughts and expressed that maybe it was a bit “harsh”!  What?!?! Are you kidding me?! “HARSH?!?!” Wow…that really hurt…it felt like being punched in the gut.

Warning – Sidebar Rant coming right up:

How about finding 400+images of your husband and his affair partner making love? How about hearing your husband doubt that he can love you the way you want to be loved…more than once? How about hearing your husband’s love story with his lover in a 10 page “apology letter” to you? How about telling your wife you are still grieving the loss of the “friendship” with your lover and still need more time to get over it despite the fact that your wife hasn’t walked out on you knowing what she knows? How about telling your wife that you are still in love with your lover and asking why does it matter that you still love your lover? How about telling your wife you didn’t have loving feelings towards her and leaving her for a party that your ex-lover will be at? How about telling your wife you didn’t love her the way she wants and deserves to be loved… and that you needed space and time apart from her in order to be able to appreciate her and determine if you wanted to still be with her only for her to find out that you made plans to be with your lover ? How about finding cute, sexy and disrespectful messages between your husband and his ex-lover despite telling your wife that your ex-lover is dead to you and your wife has given you yet again another chance to prove your love? How about finding a birthday card from your husband’s ex-lover in his briefcase when you are trying to hide a sweet birthday surprise for him? “Harsh”…really?!

Apologies for that…still recovering with scars and bad recall as one should feel after experiencing what I have gone through.

I realised that his weakness for not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings including his ex-lover – is what got him into this affair in the first place. Not being strong enough to build higher boundaries to not send wrong signals and let his guard down from incoming threats from people like her. He needs to work on becoming stronger and being able to be uncomfortable when needs be in order protect what is most important to him. Like not getting out of that car and going into her house in the first friggin place!

Too much sitting on top of the fence.

He finally sent the email message to her and then forward the sent message to me for my reference. I am not going to lie – seeing this message did help make me feel a little better…but I cannot deny that I am still very weary of her and their possible “feelings” they may still have for each other. After all look what they did and for how long. For all I know they could be still in touch and very much in love. He could have told her he was sending this message but she was to ignore it. Who knows?

My husband once again swears he is so happy that we have found one another again and that he had every intention of telling me about the card and reading it together. I just keep telling myself to try and stop questioning things and be happy that we are on track to rebuilding our marriage and trust and life is really good for me and us right now.

I of course am NOT fully recovered and strong and do often have my doubts and flashes of insecurity. Remember I am still three months out since my last D Day. But I honestly have come a long way, DO feel stronger and AM still certain of our love.

I cautiously asked him last night some “what if’s?”…

“What if” she didn’t speak to him in the disrespectful tone that fateful night?…”what if” she hadn’t told her husband the details of every one of my husband’s conversations with her…”What if” she wasn’t carrying her husband’s baby? …My husband confidently told me that he IS certain that we would have found our way back to each other regardless of any “what if’s, ” as we ARE meant to be together.  I loved hearing these words. It seems as if he too has thought about this. I just hope he means it! As he has convincingly pulled the wool over my eyes before.

I know I will be stronger as each day passes…because WE ARE A LEGACY OF LOVE !

Yet…I cannot help wonder sometimes “what if?”…

She’s Back!

Things have been improving with my husband significantly. We now feel more connected than ever before. We had an incredible weekend celebrating his birthday early as we would be apart on his actual birthday. It was a very sweet time for our family as it was full of love, laughter and happiness.

….But the Selfish Home Wrecking Beeatch is back!!  Why can’t she just leave us alone? Why cant she see that she has done enough damage to our family for a lifetime? Why can’t she focus on hers now that she has been given this undeserving chance to have one of her own? She doesn’t even see how lucky she is. She just wants to keep on hurting and taking from others. Why couldn’t he see this side of her from ages ago?

My Husband had a special milestone birthday recently and I had warned him that she would be definitely reaching out to him. I asked him to please let me know when she does. He promised he would.

Well so said so done…my husband had come out of a late meeting, was rushing to come home as we were having a special family birthday dinner together before he would have to fly out and leave us for the week. There it was…a birthday card waiting for him on his desk. He knew it was from her and quickly grabbed it and placed it in his bag and came home.

He arrived home to a full on dinner waiting for him with the kids and me eagerly vying for his attention before he left us later that night. After dinner he rushed to pack and take a nap before his airport taxi came for him in the wee hours of the night. After he had fallen asleep I placed our special birthday card in his bag so he could be surprised on his actual birthday…only to find a birthday card folded in half from HER!

I took it out and hastily read it. Once again time stood still for me. This was becoming such a familiar feeling, a feeling that I was too accustomed to. My heart popping once again out of my chest. I didn’t think this through properly…per my usual reactive personality…and barged into our room, woke him up and angrily asked him if he had anything important to tell me. He unfortunately didn’t. I was so disappointed…again.

When I told him I saw the card. He said he didn’t read it as he had decided that he was going to read it with me, but things were so “perfect” when he had arrived home that he didn’t want to ruin the happy atmosphere by bringing it up and the opportunity for the “right moment” wasn’t there. By the time dinner was over he had genuinely forgotten about the card, and then rushed to pack his bag, be with me and get some sleep for a couple of hours. He swears this is the truth.

Here we go again. He tried his best to reassure me that he was telling the truth…he begged me NOT to let her infect us again and push us backwards when we were doing so well. He reminded me that she means absolutely nothing to him anymore and they haven’t spoken. He said he doesn’t want to read the letter in the card and thinks we should throw it away. He apologised for this to happen at this time as we were doing so well together and he has never been happier and more certain of our LOVE for each other. What the hell does he expect?!?!

My head is spinning. I don’t even know what to believe now. However, I have to trust him if we are to continue to rebuild and become stronger. I chose to trust him. Of course there are nagging little voices in my head…thinking the worst “what if’s”. I insecurely started to re-hash the affair and he BEGGED me NOT to do this, as isn’t going to help us by going backwards.

He left for the airport at 1am and as soon as the front door closed I immediately read the card in full detail. Over and over. I am clearly a masochist.

The outside of the envelope said my Husband’s name and “to be opened on (my Husband’s birthday date). It was a cheesy birthday card with a handwritten letter pasted inside. (Her handwriting is so tiny…which gave me a little pleasure as this indicated to me that she is small minded.)  🙂 I’ll take what I can get.

It starts off “Darling (Husband’s name)…and says “if” but is then strategically crossed out with a big “X” through it…and then writes “when”…and continues to say “someday we find our way back to each other and speak again”… She refers to their love as a “legacy of love”.  She then wishes for him all of these special things…how she hopes that “self-love can steer the way forward” for him and that HE “MUST COME FIRST”…where it is underlines several times and is in ALL CAPS. She hopes that this is the year when he “TRULY” finds a way to feel “full and content” in his “own mind and heart”…and “when that FINALLY happens, all the goodness will spill over into the lives of people that are around” him…(I’m guessing that must be the kids and me right???). She continues to write that she hopes that this year he can be “free and encouraged”…and that she hopes he can pursue his own “passions” and that his “achievements and triumphs, however big or small, are always celebrated by those who surround” him…(Again I assume she is referring to the kids and me??) Wow!! Really?!

How ironic!  All this time my Husband apparently wasn’t receiving “self-love” when he pursued his dreams to go to a specific MBA programme, take on a job across the world, that has him away form his family more than with them…and then fulfill passions to be with her…and did she not celebrate his achievements and triumphs?  For FXck’s sake…I have been doing this for 16 years!

She then closes off with “Lots of Love, Ms. B”.

Needless to say this has set me back big time. WTF!! Is this what he has lead her to believe? And what the F does “Ms. B” mean?

When I confronted my husband he once again swears that he hadn’t read the card…that he had every intention to read it with me together, and reassured me that he has no idea why she wrote what she wrote. He advised that the nickname was a stupid name that has no significant meaning as her name begins with “A” and that “Ms. A” didn’t sound right so he had teased her that he would call her “Ms. B”…and that name had stuck. How adorable! Not 100% sure of that one either…but who the fXck cares?!

Well after more frustration, lots of tears and a lot of reassurances from my Husband – I have calmed down once again. He pleaded for me to NOT let her drag us backwards and that she is crazy and manipulative, how he had no idea why she would write these things… and that she clearly wants to use her persuasive ways once again on him and to get under my skin. I tried to defend her telling him that she must not be that bad if he was able to fall in love with her and that she obviously wanted to wish him a happy birthday on his special day…and her hopes for him had to genuinely come from somewhere. I told him that I wanted him to read the letter with me, despite risking for his feelings for her to be stirred by her loving words of hopes and wishes for him, so that he would see the demons that have been released into my head and heart yet again. He declined, saying that he doesn’t see any good coming from reading it and ripped the letter up.

She obviously thinks she still has an affect on him with total disregard for me. He advised that he had been waiting for an opportunity like this to put a stop to them communicating once and for all. (Sad that he needs to wait for an “opportunity” to tell her to stop all forms of communication with him and that breaking my heart and disrespecting me repeatedly wasn’t enough to go on.) He told me that he was going to send her a message, before he returned to his office where she is probably waiting for him assuming he has read the letter, telling her that he didn’t read the card and that she was to stop contacting him. We both agreed that that was a good idea and that he would share it with me before sending it and forward it to me to show me that he did it. I suppose any reassurance at this point would help.

He is still right beside me. I am still beside him.

Baby steps.

7 Months and Counting

Well here I am seven months later and thinking I would have been so much further along by now. A lot has happened, changed and IS for the better…but I still carry the heavy weight of the affair and ALL of what has happened at the forefront of my mind.

A family tragedy has come and gone and I wasn’t even able to properly grieve it. The burden from the pain that I live with trumps all other types of pain and suffering. It truly is the worst ever pain to experience above ALL others. I am convinced of this.

My husband seems to be a changed man. Since my discovery of those immature message conversations with her – he now seems to have cut all ties with her. He is completely mortified for all that he has done….remorseful for all of the pain and hurt he has caused me and for all of his stupid self-absorbed decisions that had disrespected his children and wife. He regrets ever trusting that woman because he now sees her for what she truly is. He claims he doesn’t even think about her unless I bring her up. (Not so certain if I believe that one since he was so adamant that he was “still grieving her” after all those months after he chose to leave her and even after I chose to give him a chance to provide his love to me…the lies had still continued.)

He is incredibly attentive, communicative, loving, affectionate, caring, etc. All too good to let my guard down ever again.

One friend thinks he doesn’t deserve me at all after what he has done to me….that he has hurt me way too much to ever be able to trust him again. Another friend is concerned that I am only hurting and disrespecting myself by letting him have, yet again, another chance with my heart. That I am only sending the wrong message to my children…telling them that it is OK to stay with someone who only hurts and disrespects you over and over…and I am letting him continue to do so.

I keep questioning what the hell happened between loving me, leaving her, fighting for me and us…because we were worth it and wanting to fight for me for the rest of his life…to leaving me for her and her unborn child that is supposedly NOT his…to then asking me to let him come home….and try to win back my love and trust once again.   How if I hadn’t bumped into her husband on that dreaded day…and that she hadn’t called my husband and spoke to him in that disrespectful way…and how she hadn’t betrayed him by telling her husband about all of “their” conversations together….and if she wasn’t pregnant with her husband’s child (not that it had stopped him with his recent decisions made)…that he would/could have left me for good and would be with her right now and not with my children and me. This weighs heavily on my mind 24/7.

I asked him recently about it all…once again…which he hates as he hates being reminded of the awful things he has done and the hurt he has caused me. I asked him what exactly did they say to each other that would make her send him an email on the first day of our vacation telling him that her husband supports them in trying to be with each other and see if they are meant to be together. He said only that things weren’t going well with us (albeit less than three months since D Day 1) and she had still cared about him, still wanted to be with him (AND let’s NOT forget pregnant with her husband’s child). He said that she was clearly delusional to even come up with that proposal and is not even sure if her husband really supported it as she is obviously a liar. (YOU THINK?!) However, how come he didn’t think that of her way back then? How come he got weak again after talking to her before our trip and it set him back significantly? It really shows a completely different side of him, to me…one purely driven by his ego…how he cannot endure being reminded of how horrible he was…and would prefer to be with her and hear how amazing he supposedly IS. Yet I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. No hiding or running from it. For ever and ever…with or without him in my life.

Makes me wonder if I should be fighting for this weak person to be a part of my life.

He said that my making that harmless comment about the affair on our way to the airport made him think that we weren’t good. Imagine…me saying “Daddy was preoccupied” to our kids supposedly pushed him towards her?! Really!?! I am only F@cking human! What about ALL of the horrible shit he had done to me and us…and I get judged on saying “preoccupied” and defending myself for being disrespected? I think it was really her words over mine that changed him and persuaded him to hurt me and lie to me once again.

How come he just simply cannot admit that he still loved her. That she still had an affect on him and maybe this is why he needed to leave me. I mean…MAN UP…own the consequences of your decisions.Admit it was him that had turned our pictures down in our home…that it was his idea to take the hundred’s of photos on their last trip together…that he was still in love with her. Just live your life the way you want and STOP hurting others in the wake of your own weakness. I just deserve the truth!!! That is what I want! I want the FXCKING TRUTH!

Did I spend time with someone else? Share intimate secrets and moments together with another man? Tell another man I love him? Leave my husband waiting at home with our kids while I was “working late”? Have unprotected sex in another man’s couch and bed…possibly in our bed too? Go on trips to romantic destinations with another man? Romantic destinations that he wanted to go to go on with me? Turn our family pictures down in our home so my lover doesn’t feel uncomfortable? Pretend to be sick to avoid having sex with my husband? Lie to to him? Disrespect him? Allow another man to disrespect him? Lie to his face despite him giving me yet another chance to fight for our relationship? Lie again? Organise late night dinners behind his back with my lover after I have supposedly recommitted to him? Let my lover choose our dog that he will have to live with and love no matter what? Send pictures from our vacation to my boyfriend? Save ALL of the sexy pictures my boyfriend sent me of himself to look back at? Did I? No. Heavy sigh…

He reconfirmed on that dreaded night when he had left me to go to that work party that she was at…that the “ugly” way I had reacted made him see a side of me that he didn’t like and made him think that it was never going to be good again between us…that he didn’t feel love for me that night and weekend (apparently for the first time) and also due to the fact that he was “under a fog/spell” made him confused and needed some space from me to be able to appreciate what he had to lose with me not being in his life. Really. I get treated like that because of my reactions!?! Nothing to do with her and how he felt for her?Any betrayed spouse would have reacted this way or maybe worse.  Another heavy !@#$%ing sigh.

He apologised over and over for his horrible choice of judgement. How pathetic and unfair that it is for me to be judged while only desperately trying to defend my marriage and self-respect that I get to be ill-treated, unloved and left just like that for my so called “ugly” reaction to being disrespected once again!?

Of course she was there waiting for him. Of course they had been sneaking around having cute chats, organising special dinners together and reconnecting right under my nose while she is pregnant for her husband and I am once again waiting for him at home.

He said that he actually had decided that leaving me and his kids would be the biggest mistake he could ever make and was planning on staying and NOT leaving  us. Really? Then why couldn’t he tell her this? Why can’t she be told that he doesn’t have loving feelings towards her?

How come at no time did hurting his wife and kids AGAIN come up as an option NOT to consider leaving us?! How come the fact that his wife was still with him fighting for his marriage wasn’t enough reason to stay? How come the fact that he supposedly never stopped loving his wife and would never leave his children wasn’t verbally mentioned to her since D Day 1? Never mind D Days 2 through 4. This unborn child and her betraying him gets to be the reasons why he is still here with me and our kids. What about his love for me and his kids? Shouldn’t that have something to do with staying?? Why can’t she be told this and put her the fXck in her place?

He says that OUR LOVE is why he is still here. Hopefully there is some truth to that! He is certain that we would have found our way back into each others’ arms no matter what we faced.

So – here I stand…still wanting to make things work with him…despite ALL of the lies, disrespect and pain that he has caused me. Despite my insecurities from being burned. Despite my fear of being hurt again. I know I must seem extremely pathetic and blind after reading this blog….that I must be in denial…and I must enjoy his emotional abuse to stay with him. Maybe?! However for some unknown force…I AM STILL CERTAIN!

I honestly believe that he hasn’t stopped loving me throughout ALL of this, as he never once made me feel unloved during the time he was seeing her. I do think I am an intuitive and perceptive person and would have felt his lack of love. He is only a weak person that needs A LOT of reassurance and passion. Because our marriage had a lull in it, due to all obvious reasons, circumstances and matrimonial challenges that have been thrown at us after 16 years of being together and almost nine years of being apart more often than being together. He just wasn’t strong enough to disappoint, fight nor resist her. His ego and penis were starving and it simply felt so good, “innocent” and “disarming” that he, his ego and penis wanted more and more. Of course that doesn’t give anyone the excuse to have an affair. However, we are ALL human and good people can make bad decisions. This doesn’t mean he is a BAD person. Only  a very weak one unfortunately. As for her…that is a different story…as I am certain she went out of her way to pursue him and make it hard for him to decline her flirtations. This too I am certain of.

I sincerely still love him. Crazy and pathetic as that may be…but genuinely still in love.

He has only been trying to reinforce his love for me since his final decision to recommit to me and us. We HAVE been given another chance to find ways to invigorate life and passion back into our relationship and marriage.  We HAVE found ways to love each other in a much stronger and more meaningful way. I KNOW that the only way is to go forward…with him.

Everything is even better than before. EVERYTHING. Except for my memory, conscience and insecure thoughts of self-disrespect. Am I only seeing what I want to see? I question it all over and over. Have internal conversations with myself…wondering if I am the fool and don’t want to see the truth. I can’t help but wonder these doubts after what I have been through.

I continue to take each day in stride. Baby steps with carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Wisely deciding how to handle and react to each situation while remaining as true as possible to myself while keeping my own self respect intact. Sometimes not so wise. Of course, it is only human of me to second guess what I am doing as I tread carefully and cautiously forward.

In the early days since D Day 1 I had searched for other people’s stories to get an idea of when the pain would subside. I was desperate to read successful stories claiming all was better immediately. I had no idea what was ahead of us. I honestly thought we would have been much further along not realising that she was very much still in his life. Not realising there were many more D Days to come…not seeing the reality of this tragedy and how long the journey to healing would actually take.

I still think about IT and HER daily. How disappointing it is to have to accept that our love wasn’t special and unique enough to be invincible and protect us from trash like her. However, it isn’t the first thing on my mind as I wake up nor the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep…like how it used to be. I guess I can call that progress! I do!

Seven months and counting…

Under a spell!

Or so he says….

After several calls, apologies, immense crying and remorse shown over and over – he came home. He told me his “truth”…how she had affected him once again and my reaction to his going to the work party had just pushed him farther away from me, but “the funny thing is that it had nothing to do with her”. Really?!…that’s supposed to make me feel better? I reminded him that he was talking to his wife in case he had forgotten. (!?!??)

He told me that he had decided not to leave me and wanted to recommit once again before she called him to tell him that I had bumped into her husband and had therapy together. He said the way she spoke to him on that call only reconfirmed that he was doing the right thing…that he wasn’t going to leave me and it also made him wake up to the type person she truly was. That her telling her husband about everything they spoke of was an unforgivable act of betrayal in his eyes.  (How ironic?) He pleaded for me to give him another chance…once again…and he requested we take baby steps. How he knew he may have screwed up his chances with me forever, but wanted to try now that she was definitely out of his life for good. He said that he didn’t want to mention “their” names ever again after that weekend. He once again said that she is “dead” to him, “gone”, that he was “over” her and that she was “no longer a threat to us”.

I honestly didn’t know what to feel or believe at this point. I was still in shock. Still no tears. How is it possible to feel the complete opposite for her in 24 hours…when he couldn’t once tell me that he didn’t love her since I discovered the affair six months ago? All this time I had to live with the fact that he was still “grieving the loss of her love and friendship” and that he was “almost over it” and I was to have given him more time. That if I hadn’t found the pictures he could have possibly gone back to her as they missed each other. And now this?!?

So life went on over the next few weeks. He had been extremely loving, attentive and affectionate, but I had my guard up high. Way high! We continued to go to therapy. I still felt so unsettled from all what had happened. Couldn’t wrap my head around how he could profess his love to me and tell me how he was never leaving me…how he loved me throughout the entire affair and never stopped loving me…how “amazing” we were and “worth the fight”…for him to only turn around and treat me like shit and tell me he doesn’t think he loves me the way I deserve to be loved, nor wanted to be loved and that he needed space to appreciate what he had to lose…then beg me back…all within 48 hours…AND not once (since D Day 1) had he told her that he loves me and wasn’t leaving me.. Not once!  F!@#$%^ing CRAZY!!!

I wish I had left him from day one to wake him the FXCK up. Maybe if I had done that I wouldn’t have had to have gone through all of this additional pain. With or without him…I wouldn’t have had to deal with this extra load of shit. Heavy sigh.

When I asked him to help me understand what happened to him leading up to that weekend, when he decided to leave me, when he decided not to leave me, etc…he would calmly tell me over and over that he had already told me everything I needed to know and now only I could help myself…I was so frustrated and felt completely suffocated in my own helplessness. I know – absolutely pathetic.

He told our therapist that he was “under a spell” and that it had finally been broken and he could now see the kind of person she was and that he had just snapped out of it. Wow…just like that!? She had asked him what happened if he fell under the spell again as he does work with his affair partner. He said again that she was “dead” to him…that she had betrayed him and he doesn’t forgive anyone who betrays him. He told her to ask me what happens when someone betrays him…he told her “they would be dead to him and he would never ever forgive them”. Again – how ironic!

He told her he wanted to focus on me, how I have only given my love, been there for him and our kids, built the foundation that has kept our family together…and now despite how much he had hurt me that he wanted the chance to build back my trust in him and us. He looked me in my eyes and reassured me that he doesn’t talk to her and that I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

Unfortunately I wasn’t 100% certain of his words as they had let me down several times before. So I had cautiously checked his phone and searched her name. There they were…several recent instant messaging conversations between them since I had taken him back once again. However there was a distance that you could sense from his words this time…albeit they were still filled with suggestive, cute, sweet, caring and encouraging messages from my husband’s side. Him sending her a link to a sexy song, telling her she can call him…him buying her chocolate for a snack…them planning to have tea and dinner together…it painfully goes on.

The familiar feeling in my chest appeared again while reading these messages. AGAIN!!

Her words were still as disrespectful as ever…telling him how she likes being his “life secret”…how she was going to spend the rest of her life being “dishonest” and was up for the task of making him “dishonest” with her as she was “much happier” when they were both dishonest. He said he understood what she meant. She even asked him if he could make time for her when he was next in office. She wanting to have tea with him. My heart was once again pounding so hard that I felt like I could actually see it bursting out of my chest. She truly is the most living selfish B!@#$%tch! and he is still being the weak and dishonest husband to me. D Day 4 (May 15, 2016)!

How could he once again let me down like this!?!! Lie to my face AGAIN and tell me that he wasn’t in contact with her and yet here was living proof? Why was he doing this when we were doing so well? Why not just let me go if he still wants to be with her?

He explained that after he had broken it off with her on that fateful day that I had therapy with her husband – that she had apparently been admitted into the hospital for a week due to a pregnancy scare from unexpected bleeding that she claims was from him leaving her.?!?! The F@CKING CXNT!! That he had felt responsible for the potential loss of this unborn child…so he was randomly checking on her because he didn’t want to be the cause of her to lose her baby, but he reassured me that he didn’t love her or want to be with her ever again like before. It was only for her well being. Well then why the suggestive conversation tones? Why doesn’t he reach out to me like that? How come he is able to find time for her and not for me? So much effort for her…so many excuses and continued lies for me.

He begged me to not leave him once again. He said he has never been more happier and in love with me and was certain we were going to make it. That he hadn’t felt this good in a very long time. He didn’t want to lose me over this as it was not at all what I thought nor the way it looked. Really? He said they had fallen back into the lighthearted banter that they were familiar with and that he didn’t want to upset her so he went along with it. His messages were definitely minimal and uninformative to her. That much I can say is true. I did also see a message from another work colleague telling Justin she was out of office as she had a scare. But still…why more lies? She is truly a disease riddled with lies and deceit. And he is like a hypnotised snake in a trance dancing to her seductive “innocent” and “disarming” music. Heavy sigh.

I of course was hurt once again and having a very hard time getting around this one. But here I still am…clearly with no self respect left…none at all.

Maybe I too am UNDER A SPELL…

A Complete 180!

My husband called.

His voice was soft and cracked. He said “hi”. I calmly said “hi” back. He told me that he had heard I was in therapy with her husband and asked me why I hadn’t told him.  I coldly said “because I was waiting for her to tell you”. He then burst into tears and said he was so very sorry. How he hadn’t been honest with me over the past four weeks. That he had said and done some horrible things and was very sorry again. How he didn’t mean to hurt me and was never leaving the girls and me. How he may have “fXcked” his chances with me but wants to try to win back my trust and love.

He explained that she had sent him an email while we were on that dreaded vacation telling him that her husband was willing to support her choice to be with my Husband and that they should “give it a try” as they clearly loved each other and would my Husband consider it. WTF?!

She told him that her husband was concerned for her happiness as she told him that she wanted to be with my Husband. WTF?! My Husband told me that this baby and email had weighed heavily on his conscience and the fact that our marriage was struggling (never mind due to his lack of efforts and continued lies), had made him confused and he couldn’t figure out what to do. That he realised that he hadn’t been fair to me and us and hadn’t given us the chance that I and we deserve and he is so sorry. WTF?!

He told me that he had gone into her office after our dreaded lunch, but not to make plans to run off with her…just to cry and vent as he was feeling horrible and had no one else to talk to about it. He admit that in hindsight this was a big mistake as when he told her he didn’t think it was going to work out with me…she jumped all over it (probably like “white on rice”) and said that she couldn’t stay with her husband knowing that he had left me and was going to be alone. So she was going to tell her husband she also needed space to see if it could work with my husband. He told me that he told her that was the wrong decision to make and if she really thought about it, that it just couldn’t work but if there was a chance for them then she needed to think about the consequences of their actions and how difficult it would be for them. That he had parted that evening knowing that it couldn’t work, but regardless he still needed space from me as we were not in a good place and would come home to me on the weekend and take it from there.

?!?!?!?!

I told him that her husband is extremely upset with him about taking his unborn child away from him. My Husband reacted in total shock and said “Oh my God, I was never going to do that! I would never do that!! I have been telling her to stay with her husband if only for the sake of the baby. She played me! She is playing all of us. I need to call her now. I’ll call you back!” and then he hung up. I am not buying all of this but this is what he had told me and swears he is telling the truth. Which is why he was so upset that she told her husband the opposite and feels that he had been played by her

He called back shortly after and told me that it was “OVER” between them. That she was “DEAD” to him. He said he told her to go and be with her husband and that he never wanted to speak to her again. He said she even asked if they could speak at the therapist’s office later that week and he had told her “NO”. He said he changed his flight to come home one day earlier and he hopes I will let him come home and that he will tell me everything. That he doesn’t want to leave me and the girls and how very sorry he is. All amidst tears and sadness.

I told him I had to think about it. I honestly didn’t know what to do at this very moment. Wasn’t even sure if I wanted him in my life anymore. So many lies and deceit. Who was this man? I don’t know this side of him at all.  Oh how the tables have turned in such a short space of time.

Seriously. WTF is going on?! Still no tears.

He kept calling me over the next few days, crying, pleading, apologising over and over. I too surprisingly did a 180 and became this cold person. I guess partially from the utter disappointment on what he had done to me and our kids once again…letting her manipulate him  and hurting me once again, but also because he had flipped…again and I just don’t know who or what to believe anymore. He is NOT the man I had fallen in love with and have loved for the past 16 years. Where did that man go? Who is this man?

I told him that the only hope that we have going forward is for “total and complete honesty” as difficult and hurtful it will be. He agreed. He promised he would tell me “everything” this weekend and how very sorry he was again for all of the pain and hurt he has caused. He once again exclaimed  that she is “dead” to him…that she is “gone”… that there is “no more” her…that he has “blocked” her on whats app and “never” wants to speak to her ever again. It’s amazing how things can change in just 24 hours. Seems to be a trend of late.

I know once again…I should be already gone and not looking back. However, I have no where to go and I am not selfish enough to take his kids a away from him nor my kids’ father away from them. I have sacrificed and compromised for this man’s dreams for the past 9 years. I also needed some clarity from this mess and needed to make a plan once I come out of this confused hurt state. I also still love him and am at the same time am very disappointed in him. Not a good place to be at all. Now I am uncertain of our future, where before I thought we had a fighting chance. I am losing my faith and will to fight.

The next day I asked my Husband to send me the email she had sent him while we were on vacation. I then called her husband. I wanted to see if he had really told her that he would support his wife if she wanted run off with my Husband and give it a “try”. Her husband was happy to hear from me and told me that he was going to call and check on me. (Why does this woman want to leave such a lovely man? Then again why did my Husband want to leave me? I suppose the grass is always greener.) He then told me that his wife had called my Husband last night and that she had broken up with him. Huh!?! I told him that my Husband said he had broken up with her. He seemed to feel sorry for me as I did for him. I then rushed to ask him about the email and if it were true about his stance on letting her run off with my Husband…but he had hastily interrupted me and told me that he and his wife had “closure” and that they had made a decision and commitment to each other the night before and were going to try again. That if they failed it was due to their not being able to make it and not because of the affair. (Uh huh…)

He then encouraged me to focus on my marriage and give my husband another chance….if not for me ..for our kids because they deserve that. He reminded me that we (my husband and I) had made a choice to have kids and it is our responsibility “to try” if only for them. I agreed. At this point I decided not to dig any further and let this man keep his renewed hope for his marriage. I told him that, for what it’s worth, my husband had wanted to call and let him know that he was never encouraging his wife to ever leave him. I told him that our spouses were not bad people and that they had just made some @#$%^&-up mistakes and decisions without thinking of the consequences. (Not being totally honest here!) He agreed and said that he too didn’t think my Husband was a horrible person and that they had both got caught up in a whirlwind romance and it had unfortunately affected their rationale thinking. (Aren’t we nice!?) I told him he could call me any time and that I thought he was going to be an amazing father. (I meant that!) I wished him all of the best. He wished me well and then I hung up. Again, she is one lucky lady to have this man fighting for her despite all that she has done to him. Just as lucky as my Husband is to have me “fighting the fight” for us….so far.

I called my Husband and told him that her husband said she told him that she had broken up with my Husband. He was perturbed, but said that maybe this is what she needed to say to him in order for him to take her back. It could be the same with me and my Husband for me to take him back…again. Who knows? He (my Husband) knows I am not going to believe anything that he says right now, but that this was the truth. You got that right!

I got the email. She had selfishly sent him a series of emails, starting on the first day of our trip, telling him that she and her husband had discussed her feelings that she still had for my Husband and him for her…and that despite my Husband telling her to completely cut ties from each others’ lives…that her husband was in support of them giving it a try to be together. That it would be best to try now and see if it can work rather than a few years from now and hurting us all over again. Never mind about encouraging him to leave his family and innocent kids. Something none of these three extremely selfish persons have ever taken into consideration to date – the wife and kids on the other side of this very selfish triangle. (I do question why she felt this was even a possibility in the first place. Clearly whatever was discussed between them the day of our trip lead her to believe that they were meant to be together.) My Husband didn’t reply to this absurd proposal but it had clearly affected him. This does explain why he was acting so weird on our trip and how she was able to once again infect our sacred time together. She is part of our vacation…again. Sad how my Husband doesn’t consider this email  as another sign of her self-absorbed attitude and that she would make an awful step-mother. Yeah I know. Wake-the-F-up!

I guess the fact that her email does show where my Husband was encouraging her to stay with her husband in several places in the messages, albeit for the unborn baby and NOT for the love of his kids and me. The fact that my husband told me the truth about the details of the affair from the beginning, whereas she had lied to her husband about many things. All of this does in my “biased” and “in denial” opinion of my husband reflect more positively on the perspective that my husband could in fact be telling the truth. Maybe not all of the truth…but maybe some or most of the truth?!? Maybe.

To be completely honest – the husband that I fell in love with and still do love – would never take another man’s baby away from him. However, this affair “fog” does supposedly mess your mind up and who knows what he was capable of.

Again, WTF?!?!

Maybe I should call this post “WTF?!?!”