An Anniversary NOT to be celebrated!

Well one year has officially passed since my official D Day of December 10, 2015. I don’t know how I have made it this far, but here I am still standing, albeit slightly wobbly every now and then.
I definitely wish I didn’t recall this dreaded date. However, ever since that day…I have become ridiculously and astutely conscious of dates.
I have never hurt like this before…EVER. I never thought I could pull through this darkness and pain. Even though I know there will be setbacks going forward…I am in a much better place mentally and physically. I am still committed to the cause of “fighting the fight” in making our marriage stronger from this and continuing to build our family’s foundation to resist any threats going forward.We are doing extremely well and the love we have for each other has reached new heights. It is AMAZING!
I am consciously working on driving out the darkness…bit by bit…step by step…day by day.
I am trying my best to fight the urge to allow “her” into my thoughts…but unfortunately I am not there as yet…but with time I am certain she will be pushed deeper into my faraway garbage storage where she will hopefully hardly come out from. I have regretfully stalked her profile pic and seen her baby and tattooed eyebrows. The good news is that the baby, a cute little girl, thankfully looks just like her handsome daddy. Funny enough…this was pointed out to me…as for some odd reason I never thought it could be my husband’s baby in the first place. The great news is, as shallow as it is, her eyebrows are hideous and look like big ass rectangles spray painted on using a stencil. This gives me a little evil satisfaction as I am sure she still has her flawless ass. Beeatch!
I recently saw the movie “Collateral Beauty” and realised that is what my husband’s affair has given us. We are a much stronger couple now and are feeling an amazing love once again for each other. And trust me we had some incredible intense soulmate kinda love before life management got in our way and was almost completely destroyed by two very selfish people.
The hardest part for me still exists….accepting the aftermath of it all. The affair is killer but what was done and said after by my husband still hurts me intensely and is what haunts and challenges me in becoming completely pain free. I hope with more time this will also diminish and not negatively affect our progress.
I really do hope one day it will not matter anymore, that we will be free from any further hurt from this affair, that we will be better protected and impenetrable to any outside threats, that we will continue to cherish the second chance we have been given and that our love will continue to become stronger and more alive together.
Since the first D Day – I have learned that time does help..A LOT…and I have come to accept that this affair had way more to do with them than me. This was a hurtful result of two very selfish people that didn’t think about who they were hurting and disrespecting…and the potential irreversible damage they could have caused from their own greedy needs. This of course is disappointing to see this side of my Husband…but I have also learned that no one is perfect and good people can make some fXcked up mistakes.
I am still learning from this devastation. Amidst the ebb and flow of our our growing strength as a couple – I know that there is no guarantee and all we can do is try our very best to enjoy the present and relish in the positive times together. These times ARE fleeting and can be stripped away in a heartbeat.
We are spending this Christmas as festive and happy as possible to make up for the dark and painful one we experienced last year. This is my favourite time of the year and I am not allowing the affair nor Ms. B to ever rob me again of enjoying it.
Life for me is like a whole bunch of appropriate life lesson quotes these days…here are a few that currently stand out:
What is coming is better than what is gone…
We cannot start over, but we can begin now and make a new ending…
Have enough courage to trust LOVE one more time.
So here’s to what is coming, making new endings and trusting love one more time!
Wishing you all an amazing holiday and happy new year when it comes.
Be strong!
2017 – Here we come!
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7 thoughts on “An Anniversary NOT to be celebrated!

  1. My D Day is August 10, 2016, two and a half months away. We had been married for 22 years, had three great kids. My husband cheated with a business associate for a year until she became too invested in the relationship and had to tell me all about their affair. Where I sit right now. I think it would be easier to give up and live my own life. I can’t imagine not thinking about the two of them together and the pain the betrayal has caused me. What gives you the strength to work on your relationship? Is it your deep love of each other? Maybe I don’t love him enough? Help me understand, do I just need to give it more time? How did you know what to do?

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    1. @findinggratitude Thank you for your comment. I am not out of the woods and accept I may never fully be. I have an incredible memory which doesn’t serve me well for dealing with this trauma. I still have daily battles in trying to suppress memories…the flashes of the images and memories of what he did…but I AM certain that he still loves me and I love him…and this is what keeps me going. On good days I get past the flashes quickly…on bad days I get through them with a little pain…but then I get back up and keep going. My husband has been amazing to me since last year May and is making the effort to be by my side when I get low. My pride is immensely hurt…my trust has been betrayed…it is going to take a long time to get stronger…but I know I am as each day passes. You haven’t even passed a year. Give yourself some more time. I had no idea what to do. In the beginning I was so confused and terribly hurting. I am still sad deep down inside at the disappointment of it all…but I am also grateful for what I have now…what we have now…what we are able to build back. Hopefully it is stronger and can defend us from the demons going forward. Reach out to me anytime for some moral support. x

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      1. Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband has done most of those things as I have well, such as let me manage his phone and track him, we’re in counseling and learning to communicate better. He was depressed and was using sex to cope with his depression. He is now on anti depressants and much easier to get along with. He did have a relationship with one women for over a year and she was the one who told me about the affair. I think she thought he would choose her if he was confronted with the decision. Right now I wish he would have chosen her. As it is, I’m left with a man who is trying to make a new start, who had been depressed and very hard to live with, who I wished I could divorce. I am left to decide if it is real or not. Is this a person who’s company I can enjoy? My kids are now 20, 18 and 15. My 20 year old tells me to leave him and does not get along with his dad. The other two kids say they just want me to do what makes me happy. I forgive him for cheating, things were bad. He is trying very hard to make it right, but do I want to grow old with him? We’ve never gotten along that well, can he really change that much?

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    1. Thanks for the big hugs @jealousythatsme – I imagine I will be dealing with my internal battles of the affair’s scars for the rest of my life. The hundreds of images, words shared and hurtful reactions are unfortunately imprinted in my mind forever more. With time they are diminishing and hopefully will be so far buried under greater memories. We just need to keep building them. Big hugs to you too.

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  2. Thanks for giving hope in such a dark time. Sometimes it’s hard to believe things can get better… 3 months in and it’s hard to see positive in any of this…. but I’m surely holding onto the hope that in a year things will.be in a much better place for H and I.

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