I Hate You!

I am having another weak moment. Maybe it has something to do with the 14% extra gravitational pull from the recent supermoon. Please therefore go easy on me with this post!

I know I am and we are on the road to recovery. I know that in order to keep growing stronger individually and together as a couple I need to push these thoughts away. But it is so frigging hard.

I blame my husband first and foremost for the hurt he has caused me from this affair. He had made horrible choices and we both have to live with it for the rest of our lives and accept that it is a long and difficult journey with no guarantee.

However, I am still stuck when it comes to her. I just can’t cant seem to get “her” out of my head. Thoughts and images of her still haunt me on a daily basis. All of the pictures that my husband took of her, the sexy and cute ones that she had sent to him…her loving words in her messages, letters, cards, emails…the memories of all of the interactions between her and my husband…I just wish I was strong enough to resist letting all of these flashes of her into my world. They sear through my being and I am trying so hard to fight them off, but unfortunately I am still not strong enough.

I will NEVER forgive her even if she owes me absolutely nothing and has no direct ties to me. Despite all of what my husband has done to us and me (and he does take full responsibility for his actions)…She TOO is NOT a good person and has stolen something special from me that I can never get back. The innocence of my certainty of our marriage and what it once was. My trust, security and safety are all gone! My heart is broken into pieces. None of it was hers for the taking. She played a significant role in encouraging my husband to cross the line…over and over. I know he allowed her in and as a result let her take advantage of him and by association us. He allowed her to steal precious quality time with him away from us and break down our beautiful bond that we once shared. But she was there on the other side with her “bits” hanging over his head luring him into her web. She took full advantage of our marriage being vulnerable and went in for the kill without any remorse.

I will never lower myself to her level…but I am still hurting and simply hate her. I often wish she could read my blog to see all of the pain and damage that she has caused. Not that she would care. Her parents must be so disappointed that she turned out this way.

The below link is similar to the way I feel…just because!

Here ya go Ms. B! and YES…I HATE YOU!!

After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!

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10 thoughts on “I Hate You!

  1. Just reading this, it is comforting to know I’m normal. My therapist keeps telling me to bury her and not let her steal anymore of my life but she pops in my head like a lightning bolt and haunts me. It is Slowly getting better and then she’ll be top of mind again. Ugh! So unfair. This too shall pass. I hope!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. @findinggratitiude….”bury her and not let her steal anymore”…easier said than done. I so wish I could do this. Life would be so much better for all of us. We are human. We are so normal….if we could do this we would be cold and lifeless souls. We feel and love and this is what makes us who we are. Ms. B unfortunately still haunts me most of the time. Sometimes I am not aware thoughts of her are there..probably because I am so used to her presence in my head…but other times the thoughts of her breaks my back and hits me hard…and I fall down. As I keep saying…I hold on tight….endure the immense pain and feelings of hurt and disappointment….like I am amidst a horrible storm…and then when I can feel the sunshine on my face again…I open my eyes, slowly get back up…and keep moving forward. I can do this because I am constantly reassured by my husband that we are worth the fight. If I didn’t feel this then I would have walked away a long time ago. Love is too important to me to hold on for the wrong reasons. At the end of the day LOVE WINS…and if you don’t genuinely feel it…let go….so you can find it again with yourself first and foremost…and then hopefully with someone who truly deserves it to be shared with you. xxoo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for this insightful reply. I think I have lost myself caring for everyone else. I do need to find myself again. I’m working on it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. God, do I ever understand this right now. From the pieces I know of my situation my wife was in a vulnerable spot and ran into someone who saw this and saw the opportunity it presented. He said all the right things to make her “feel something”, and it was all downhill from there.

    I do blame him. But I also blame her for putting herself in that position – emotionally vulnerable spot or not. And I just can’t get past the choices she made. Trust, once gone, is very hard to rebuild. And I don’t even know if I even want to.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi Drew! So nice to hear from you…given the circumstances. Yes…it is a difficult balance of emotions we live with eh? Not only do I struggle with the affair itself…I also have major difficulties with the ugly aftermath of what he said and did…and how he let her back into our world for her to try and further disrespect my family, our marriage and me…especially after he begged me to stay. Such a messed up world we live in. I am truly appreciative of having the support and company of my fellow BSs who are also choosing to stay and try…as they can fully relate to our daily inner struggles. Stay strong…keep taking baby steps forward…hunker down for the rough patches…and get up and keep on going. Dory style! :).

      Liked by 3 people

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