Just when I think I am doing so well…a teeny tiny “straw” breaks the camel’s back and I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat. I am trying my hardest to not let myself go backwards, get caught in the current and drown in the overwhelming undertow of my insecurities and horrible memories of the affair and setbacks that have taken place over the last 10 months. I keep reading that “we Betrayeds” MUST fight the urge to allow ourselves to think about the past, dwell on what has happened and relive the pain over and over…as it isn’t doing any of us any good whatsoever. However, for some sick macabre reason I sometimes catch myself caught up in the immense current of my negative thoughts. Maybe this is how Garp felt in his life while dealing with his “Under Toad” (from the story “The World According to Garp” by John Irving).
I believe it is a combination of many microscopic to woolly mammoth sized triggers and vulnerable moments that weaken my “firewall” and allow these dark hurtful thoughts to seep in and enable me to overthink things way too much and unnecessarily so. Yet here I am…fighting the urge to go “there”, losing the battle and end up hiding the tears that well up in my eyes and tolerating the large painful knots in my stomach. Trying not to pay attention to the never ending flashes of the affair, the hundreds (400+) of souvenir photos that they took to reminisce together each of their romantic escapes, the cute and provocative emails and messages shared right under my nose…all of the hurtful things he repeatedly did with her and all of the dignity that he allowed the both of them to strip away from me…even if she doesn’t owe me anything at all. They ALL zoom around in my thoughts like a laser show in the sky when I get weak.
Triggers. I have been trying to fight off so “freaking” many of them. TV shows, movies, random innocent comments made by friends and our kids, almost all of the popular songs on the radio, every morning when I open our blackout curtains, our cute little dog that she picked out (the dog that my kids adore…the same dog that is still in one of her flipping social media profile pictures and the one I greet every morning), several thoughts of her unfortunately lurking around in my sub conscience…I truly don’t want to give the affair or her any more power than they already have in my mind, and yet here they are…sneaking in through my oh so very weak and vulnerable areas.
Some may say I welcome these thoughts…who knows…maybe the sicko in me does? However, I do know that my husband and I are doing really well. We are communicative, doing fun things together and extremely attentive and loving with each other…I guess things seem too good to be true maybe? Or maybe I have been burned so badly that I just expect something bad to soon happen again? Or it is the pangs from all of the raw scars that still lurk around that hit me when I least expect it. I try to fight them with all my might…but sometimes I lose and get sucked right into the force from that @#$%^&**&^%$# “Under Toad”. I need to find the escape route fast from this wasteland of hurt and TRY my hardest to never look back.
In my husband’s so-called 10 page apology….aka “love story”…it started out with a warning – saying that most often it isn’t the affair that kills a marriage, but how the Betrayed manages and deals with the aftermath is what determines the outcome. I remind myself of this daily…but the human in me often wins because I can’t help but want to “go there”…where I should just let bygones be bygones and get on with life. Sad that “we Betrayeds” have to deal with this “killer” and keep it at bay before it kills us. We all know it almost did before and very well could try to do it again. There is simply no guarantee. (I grew up! Remember?)
I don’t want to be like Garp and let this anxiety and fear suck me under, only for me to realise when it’s too late. I don’t want to let this strong current drag me down as I am only allowing it to try and derail our relationship from recovering, rebuilding and becoming even stronger. If I am not careful – it could even push us toward a deathtrap where it cannot be ever mended. I need to just STOP and let life happen as it should. This is easier said than done and believe me I AM trying to LET IT the F@#K GO!!!
YES – I AM a continued work in progress…
Maybe I should call Ms. B…”the @#$%^&* Under Toad”!!!!