“What If?”

Well my Husband advised that he didn’t want to read her birthday card message claiming he wasn’t interested in what she had to say and was convinced that her words were only manipulative and she is clearly disillusioned. A part of me thinks she was lead to believe what she wrote due to the “spell” they were both under. Another part of me also knows what she is capable of and is fully aware of her being up for the task of making my husband a “dishonest” man once again. Regardless of it all, her actions are still disrespectful to all intended. She just needs to go away and accept what’s done is done and stop being this selfish beeaatch that continues to hurt innocent people and drag everyone down with her.

My husband decided on his own initiative  to write her an email before he returned to his office…telling her thank you for the card…that we are doing really well and love each other…that he “REGRETS” the affair and causing me so much pain and hurt over the past two and half years…that he has chosen not to read the card and feels they should no longer communicate at all…he then closed off by wishing her and her husband only the best and a happy arrival for their baby.

He shared this message with me before sending it and I thought it was a strong and respectful message.I thought to myself she was so lucky to receive such a nice email considering all she has played a part in to cause so much hurt, pain and disrespect. However, he had second thoughts and expressed that maybe it was a bit “harsh”!  What?!?! Are you kidding me?! “HARSH?!?!” Wow…that really hurt…it felt like being punched in the gut.

Warning – Sidebar Rant coming right up:

How about finding 400+images of your husband and his affair partner making love? How about hearing your husband doubt that he can love you the way you want to be loved…more than once? How about hearing your husband’s love story with his lover in a 10 page “apology letter” to you? How about telling your wife you are still grieving the loss of the “friendship” with your lover and still need more time to get over it despite the fact that your wife hasn’t walked out on you knowing what she knows? How about telling your wife that you are still in love with your lover and asking why does it matter that you still love your lover? How about telling your wife you didn’t have loving feelings towards her and leaving her for a party that your ex-lover will be at? How about telling your wife you didn’t love her the way she wants and deserves to be loved… and that you needed space and time apart from her in order to be able to appreciate her and determine if you wanted to still be with her only for her to find out that you made plans to be with your lover ? How about finding cute, sexy and disrespectful messages between your husband and his ex-lover despite telling your wife that your ex-lover is dead to you and your wife has given you yet again another chance to prove your love? How about finding a birthday card from your husband’s ex-lover in his briefcase when you are trying to hide a sweet birthday surprise for him? “Harsh”…really?!

Apologies for that…still recovering with scars and bad recall as one should feel after experiencing what I have gone through.

I realised that his weakness for not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings including his ex-lover – is what got him into this affair in the first place. Not being strong enough to build higher boundaries to not send wrong signals and let his guard down from incoming threats from people like her. He needs to work on becoming stronger and being able to be uncomfortable when needs be in order protect what is most important to him. Like not getting out of that car and going into her house in the first friggin place!

Too much sitting on top of the fence.

He finally sent the email message to her and then forward the sent message to me for my reference. I am not going to lie – seeing this message did help make me feel a little better…but I cannot deny that I am still very weary of her and their possible “feelings” they may still have for each other. After all look what they did and for how long. For all I know they could be still in touch and very much in love. He could have told her he was sending this message but she was to ignore it. Who knows?

My husband once again swears he is so happy that we have found one another again and that he had every intention of telling me about the card and reading it together. I just keep telling myself to try and stop questioning things and be happy that we are on track to rebuilding our marriage and trust and life is really good for me and us right now.

I of course am NOT fully recovered and strong and do often have my doubts and flashes of insecurity. Remember I am still three months out since my last D Day. But I honestly have come a long way, DO feel stronger and AM still certain of our love.

I cautiously asked him last night some “what if’s?”…

“What if” she didn’t speak to him in the disrespectful tone that fateful night?…”what if” she hadn’t told her husband the details of every one of my husband’s conversations with her…”What if” she wasn’t carrying her husband’s baby? …My husband confidently told me that he IS certain that we would have found our way back to each other regardless of any “what if’s, ” as we ARE meant to be together.  I loved hearing these words. It seems as if he too has thought about this. I just hope he means it! As he has convincingly pulled the wool over my eyes before.

I know I will be stronger as each day passes…because WE ARE A LEGACY OF LOVE !

Yet…I cannot help wonder sometimes “what if?”…


7 thoughts on ““What If?”

  1. @stupidrandomthoughts You are so insightful. I am trying to focus on the present and all of the goodness in my life right now. My recent memories are what make me question with the random “what ifs” and I know I have to try and focus on now and look forward…I am a work in progress. I really appreciate your words of wisdom. Please keep them coming. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Be kind to yourself. The what if’s are being asked for a reason – something you’re trying to find. It’s also your way for your mind to reconcile the past to the present as well. It’s a process of healing, as well as being able to let go. Just don’t ruminate on the past, or let it dominate your present. But as go process each hurtful emotion, find a way to make peace with it in the present.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What do you think you’re asking yourself what if?

    I think there is a link. Your husband is making good choices and being a good person now. And i think you don’t hate him now. But you hated his actions and choices. And to to explain his actions by being under a spell, almost seems too convenient.

    I can understand judgement being clouded by emotion. That you are able to rationalize your actions based on your emotions. That is the “spell” or “affair fog”. But one would wish that if you truly loved someone, that when your emotions take hold, that you would choose to not act upon them, to think rationally and fight for the person you love. While the internal struggle would be intense, and the cognitive dissonance may be unbearable, you’d hope that he would have fought none the less.

    People are weak and make mistakes. Hopefully he’ll grow from this and become stronger. But in a way, you’re taking a leap of faith – to trust that the way he is acting now would carry on into the future. That it won’t only represent love during the good times, but that he truly will love you during the bad as well – bad as in when HE is struggling internally he would make the choice to love you regardless.

    I think the fact he questioned the “harshness” of the letter hurt you because 1) It may seemed he still cared about her. And while caring for someone is not a bad thing, as you’ve put it – she has insulted you with her choices. And to defend her as such, would also be insulting to you. 2) That it still highlighted a weakness as you’ve explained for him to not set boundaries and care about other people’s feelings to much. 3) That from this, you’d like him to defend you as he should have. To treat this marriage as precious and to fight fiercely against enemies of the marriage – and being harsh to her is his opportunity to defend your honour.

    The What-if’s doesn’t mean you’re stuck unless you continue to entertain possibilities and unable to move forward. I think it’s important you find out why you’re asking the what if’s. A lot of times, we entertain hypothetical situations to try to validate our emotions/situations, and to vindicate ourselves as well.

    Should she have not spoken harshly/pregnant would the affair ended? It’s impossible to know. But deep down I think you’re hoping that the answer would be – yes he would have chosen you. Unfortunately, you would never know. I think deep down you’re hoping he would have found enough love to break it off – that his love for you would have triumphed. Certainly, that would make you feel better about your relationship now and have more confidence in the love you both share.

    But you can extend the what ifs to any point in time, if only to find one instance that validates your importance to him. At the end of the day, these are all hypothetical situations. If the questions of “what ifs’ are to make you feel like you matter, that your husband truly loves you – then look to the present instead and ask yourself – has your husband proven himself that he truly loves you – and in the future should the same situation arise, that he would make the right choice.

    Liked by 2 people

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