Things have been improving with my husband significantly. We now feel more connected than ever before. We had an incredible weekend celebrating his birthday early as we would be apart on his actual birthday. It was a very sweet time for our family as it was full of love, laughter and happiness.
….But the Selfish Home Wrecking Beeatch is back!! Why can’t she just leave us alone? Why cant she see that she has done enough damage to our family for a lifetime? Why can’t she focus on hers now that she has been given this undeserving chance to have one of her own? She doesn’t even see how lucky she is. She just wants to keep on hurting and taking from others. Why couldn’t he see this side of her from ages ago?
My Husband had a special milestone birthday recently and I had warned him that she would be definitely reaching out to him. I asked him to please let me know when she does. He promised he would.
Well so said so done…my husband had come out of a late meeting, was rushing to come home as we were having a special family birthday dinner together before he would have to fly out and leave us for the week. There it was…a birthday card waiting for him on his desk. He knew it was from her and quickly grabbed it and placed it in his bag and came home.
He arrived home to a full on dinner waiting for him with the kids and me eagerly vying for his attention before he left us later that night. After dinner he rushed to pack and take a nap before his airport taxi came for him in the wee hours of the night. After he had fallen asleep I placed our special birthday card in his bag so he could be surprised on his actual birthday…only to find a birthday card folded in half from HER!
I took it out and hastily read it. Once again time stood still for me. This was becoming such a familiar feeling, a feeling that I was too accustomed to. My heart popping once again out of my chest. I didn’t think this through properly…per my usual reactive personality…and barged into our room, woke him up and angrily asked him if he had anything important to tell me. He unfortunately didn’t. I was so disappointed…again.
When I told him I saw the card. He said he didn’t read it as he had decided that he was going to read it with me, but things were so “perfect” when he had arrived home that he didn’t want to ruin the happy atmosphere by bringing it up and the opportunity for the “right moment” wasn’t there. By the time dinner was over he had genuinely forgotten about the card, and then rushed to pack his bag, be with me and get some sleep for a couple of hours. He swears this is the truth.
Here we go again. He tried his best to reassure me that he was telling the truth…he begged me NOT to let her infect us again and push us backwards when we were doing so well. He reminded me that she means absolutely nothing to him anymore and they haven’t spoken. He said he doesn’t want to read the letter in the card and thinks we should throw it away. He apologised for this to happen at this time as we were doing so well together and he has never been happier and more certain of our LOVE for each other. What the hell does he expect?!?!
My head is spinning. I don’t even know what to believe now. However, I have to trust him if we are to continue to rebuild and become stronger. I chose to trust him. Of course there are nagging little voices in my head…thinking the worst “what if’s”. I insecurely started to re-hash the affair and he BEGGED me NOT to do this, as isn’t going to help us by going backwards.
He left for the airport at 1am and as soon as the front door closed I immediately read the card in full detail. Over and over. I am clearly a masochist.
The outside of the envelope said my Husband’s name and “to be opened on (my Husband’s birthday date). It was a cheesy birthday card with a handwritten letter pasted inside. (Her handwriting is so tiny…which gave me a little pleasure as this indicated to me that she is small minded.) 🙂 I’ll take what I can get.
It starts off “Darling (Husband’s name)…and says “if” but is then strategically crossed out with a big “X” through it…and then writes “when”…and continues to say “someday we find our way back to each other and speak again”… She refers to their love as a “legacy of love”. She then wishes for him all of these special things…how she hopes that “self-love can steer the way forward” for him and that HE “MUST COME FIRST”…where it is underlines several times and is in ALL CAPS. She hopes that this is the year when he “TRULY” finds a way to feel “full and content” in his “own mind and heart”…and “when that FINALLY happens, all the goodness will spill over into the lives of people that are around” him…(I’m guessing that must be the kids and me right???). She continues to write that she hopes that this year he can be “free and encouraged”…and that she hopes he can pursue his own “passions” and that his “achievements and triumphs, however big or small, are always celebrated by those who surround” him…(Again I assume she is referring to the kids and me??) Wow!! Really?!
How ironic! All this time my Husband apparently wasn’t receiving “self-love” when he pursued his dreams to go to a specific MBA programme, take on a job across the world, that has him away form his family more than with them…and then fulfill passions to be with her…and did she not celebrate his achievements and triumphs? For FXck’s sake…I have been doing this for 16 years!
She then closes off with “Lots of Love, Ms. B”.
Needless to say this has set me back big time. WTF!! Is this what he has lead her to believe? And what the F does “Ms. B” mean?
When I confronted my husband he once again swears that he hadn’t read the card…that he had every intention to read it with me together, and reassured me that he has no idea why she wrote what she wrote. He advised that the nickname was a stupid name that has no significant meaning as her name begins with “A” and that “Ms. A” didn’t sound right so he had teased her that he would call her “Ms. B”…and that name had stuck. How adorable! Not 100% sure of that one either…but who the fXck cares?!
Well after more frustration, lots of tears and a lot of reassurances from my Husband – I have calmed down once again. He pleaded for me to NOT let her drag us backwards and that she is crazy and manipulative, how he had no idea why she would write these things… and that she clearly wants to use her persuasive ways once again on him and to get under my skin. I tried to defend her telling him that she must not be that bad if he was able to fall in love with her and that she obviously wanted to wish him a happy birthday on his special day…and her hopes for him had to genuinely come from somewhere. I told him that I wanted him to read the letter with me, despite risking for his feelings for her to be stirred by her loving words of hopes and wishes for him, so that he would see the demons that have been released into my head and heart yet again. He declined, saying that he doesn’t see any good coming from reading it and ripped the letter up.
She obviously thinks she still has an affect on him with total disregard for me. He advised that he had been waiting for an opportunity like this to put a stop to them communicating once and for all. (Sad that he needs to wait for an “opportunity” to tell her to stop all forms of communication with him and that breaking my heart and disrespecting me repeatedly wasn’t enough to go on.) He told me that he was going to send her a message, before he returned to his office where she is probably waiting for him assuming he has read the letter, telling her that he didn’t read the card and that she was to stop contacting him. We both agreed that that was a good idea and that he would share it with me before sending it and forward it to me to show me that he did it. I suppose any reassurance at this point would help.
He is still right beside me. I am still beside him.