She’s Back!

Things have been improving with my husband significantly. We now feel more connected than ever before. We had an incredible weekend celebrating his birthday early as we would be apart on his actual birthday. It was a very sweet time for our family as it was full of love, laughter and happiness.

….But the Selfish Home Wrecking Beeatch is back!!  Why can’t she just leave us alone? Why cant she see that she has done enough damage to our family for a lifetime? Why can’t she focus on hers now that she has been given this undeserving chance to have one of her own? She doesn’t even see how lucky she is. She just wants to keep on hurting and taking from others. Why couldn’t he see this side of her from ages ago?

My Husband had a special milestone birthday recently and I had warned him that she would be definitely reaching out to him. I asked him to please let me know when she does. He promised he would.

Well so said so done…my husband had come out of a late meeting, was rushing to come home as we were having a special family birthday dinner together before he would have to fly out and leave us for the week. There it was…a birthday card waiting for him on his desk. He knew it was from her and quickly grabbed it and placed it in his bag and came home.

He arrived home to a full on dinner waiting for him with the kids and me eagerly vying for his attention before he left us later that night. After dinner he rushed to pack and take a nap before his airport taxi came for him in the wee hours of the night. After he had fallen asleep I placed our special birthday card in his bag so he could be surprised on his actual birthday…only to find a birthday card folded in half from HER!

I took it out and hastily read it. Once again time stood still for me. This was becoming such a familiar feeling, a feeling that I was too accustomed to. My heart popping once again out of my chest. I didn’t think this through properly…per my usual reactive personality…and barged into our room, woke him up and angrily asked him if he had anything important to tell me. He unfortunately didn’t. I was so disappointed…again.

When I told him I saw the card. He said he didn’t read it as he had decided that he was going to read it with me, but things were so “perfect” when he had arrived home that he didn’t want to ruin the happy atmosphere by bringing it up and the opportunity for the “right moment” wasn’t there. By the time dinner was over he had genuinely forgotten about the card, and then rushed to pack his bag, be with me and get some sleep for a couple of hours. He swears this is the truth.

Here we go again. He tried his best to reassure me that he was telling the truth…he begged me NOT to let her infect us again and push us backwards when we were doing so well. He reminded me that she means absolutely nothing to him anymore and they haven’t spoken. He said he doesn’t want to read the letter in the card and thinks we should throw it away. He apologised for this to happen at this time as we were doing so well together and he has never been happier and more certain of our LOVE for each other. What the hell does he expect?!?!

My head is spinning. I don’t even know what to believe now. However, I have to trust him if we are to continue to rebuild and become stronger. I chose to trust him. Of course there are nagging little voices in my head…thinking the worst “what if’s”. I insecurely started to re-hash the affair and he BEGGED me NOT to do this, as isn’t going to help us by going backwards.

He left for the airport at 1am and as soon as the front door closed I immediately read the card in full detail. Over and over. I am clearly a masochist.

The outside of the envelope said my Husband’s name and “to be opened on (my Husband’s birthday date). It was a cheesy birthday card with a handwritten letter pasted inside. (Her handwriting is so tiny…which gave me a little pleasure as this indicated to me that she is small minded.)  🙂 I’ll take what I can get.

It starts off “Darling (Husband’s name)…and says “if” but is then strategically crossed out with a big “X” through it…and then writes “when”…and continues to say “someday we find our way back to each other and speak again”… She refers to their love as a “legacy of love”.  She then wishes for him all of these special things…how she hopes that “self-love can steer the way forward” for him and that HE “MUST COME FIRST”…where it is underlines several times and is in ALL CAPS. She hopes that this is the year when he “TRULY” finds a way to feel “full and content” in his “own mind and heart”…and “when that FINALLY happens, all the goodness will spill over into the lives of people that are around” him…(I’m guessing that must be the kids and me right???). She continues to write that she hopes that this year he can be “free and encouraged”…and that she hopes he can pursue his own “passions” and that his “achievements and triumphs, however big or small, are always celebrated by those who surround” him…(Again I assume she is referring to the kids and me??) Wow!! Really?!

How ironic!  All this time my Husband apparently wasn’t receiving “self-love” when he pursued his dreams to go to a specific MBA programme, take on a job across the world, that has him away form his family more than with them…and then fulfill passions to be with her…and did she not celebrate his achievements and triumphs?  For FXck’s sake…I have been doing this for 16 years!

She then closes off with “Lots of Love, Ms. B”.

Needless to say this has set me back big time. WTF!! Is this what he has lead her to believe? And what the F does “Ms. B” mean?

When I confronted my husband he once again swears that he hadn’t read the card…that he had every intention to read it with me together, and reassured me that he has no idea why she wrote what she wrote. He advised that the nickname was a stupid name that has no significant meaning as her name begins with “A” and that “Ms. A” didn’t sound right so he had teased her that he would call her “Ms. B”…and that name had stuck. How adorable! Not 100% sure of that one either…but who the fXck cares?!

Well after more frustration, lots of tears and a lot of reassurances from my Husband – I have calmed down once again. He pleaded for me to NOT let her drag us backwards and that she is crazy and manipulative, how he had no idea why she would write these things… and that she clearly wants to use her persuasive ways once again on him and to get under my skin. I tried to defend her telling him that she must not be that bad if he was able to fall in love with her and that she obviously wanted to wish him a happy birthday on his special day…and her hopes for him had to genuinely come from somewhere. I told him that I wanted him to read the letter with me, despite risking for his feelings for her to be stirred by her loving words of hopes and wishes for him, so that he would see the demons that have been released into my head and heart yet again. He declined, saying that he doesn’t see any good coming from reading it and ripped the letter up.

She obviously thinks she still has an affect on him with total disregard for me. He advised that he had been waiting for an opportunity like this to put a stop to them communicating once and for all. (Sad that he needs to wait for an “opportunity” to tell her to stop all forms of communication with him and that breaking my heart and disrespecting me repeatedly wasn’t enough to go on.) He told me that he was going to send her a message, before he returned to his office where she is probably waiting for him assuming he has read the letter, telling her that he didn’t read the card and that she was to stop contacting him. We both agreed that that was a good idea and that he would share it with me before sending it and forward it to me to show me that he did it. I suppose any reassurance at this point would help.

He is still right beside me. I am still beside him.

Baby steps.

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14 thoughts on “She’s Back!

  1. I can see how that letter could send you backwards. It’s great that things are good right now! And your husband is trying so hard to stay in the present and show you much he loves you. While it definitely is a set back to stir up old feelings and re-hash the affair – have you considered though, that this is also an opportunity to move forward?

    Yes, this event has brought back a lot of painful memories, feelings and doubts. Certainly it’s hard on you ,and very frustrating for your husband. At the same time though, the way your husband has acted through this and shown you reassurances, love and commitment – is a HUGE step forward for you and him.

    It’ll take time for you to get over those negative feelings, but I think the experience of his love during your time of doubt might actually have pushed you guys just another step forward as well.

    I definitely encourage you to live in the present and focus on the marriage you have now. Of course it’s the past that teaches us lessons, you definitely do NOT want to be back in that situations. I feel that’s why we ruminate. We compare the past to our present situations, and try to identify threats/similarities to protect ourselves. Why would he hide the card? does he still have feelings for her? Is he telling the truth? The doubts and fears ultimately come on as way for us to protect ourselves now. At some point, you will need to push through these fears and have FAITH (a trust without guarantees) in him again. Someday.

    I would encourage him to not seeing you re-living the past, as a permanent set back (yes, it will be horrible for some time each time you are triggered), but for him to understand it as something your mind needs to do to reconcile the past with the present, and that it is an opportunity for him to show you that you have nothing to worry about. The first step is for him to understand. The second step is to muster the love, strength and patience to love you through this. And third, to rejoice when you can both move forward again.

    Perhaps it might also help you, if he can show you that HE remembers his mistakes, and will carry the burden of holding the affair, so that you can have the peace knowing he will never forget the lessons he’s learned, the regrets he’s had. In turn, you no longer need to hold on to that burden. It doesn’t mean to live in shame and guilt, or let the affair dominate your lives – but for him to be able to apologize, and bring up the affair in a way that shows he understands your pain and is willing to support you through times you are struggling – either from a trigger by his behaviour or external circumstances, or a day where you’re just struggling internally.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi! I was so thrilled to see you and your husband are working together to heal. I haven’t had a chance to read all your posts yet but I do want to say…………after 4 years post affair. My husband and I are totally two different people and my marriage has never been better. It was a lot of hard work for both of us but when I made the commitment to forgive that’s what I did and never threw the affair back in his face but we still had to work through the pain. We had a great counselor and a lot of faith! I am trapped forever with the other woman in my life as her daughter just married my son this year. I am fortunate though that my husband and her have had no contact since disclosure and it will remain that way as much as is possible. She did not pursue him after nor he, her. I have chosen to forgive her as well and it sure makes for a better life for both of us lol. I was at her daughter’s bridal shower and she and i were very civil to each other and her family treated me very kindly. I rest in the fact that my husband see his affair with her as a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. That is how she will always be to him. And although she has never apologized to me, I do believe that she is sorry for what she did too but never the less I don’t think I will ever trust her at this point. I do trust my husband now and he has kept his promise to me to make me the most loved woman in the world. I would never let another woman have THIS man. The other man was a jerk but today is my lover and best friend. My husband changed dramatically when we read the book.How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonald. We read it separately and then went over each chapter together. it was a complete transformation. I wish you many blessings as you continue down your healing journey. Diane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. @huperecho Many thanks for your kind and supportive words of wisdom Diane. I commend you for your strength in ALL that you have done and continue to do…It certainly takes a lot to forgive it all and live with her in your life. I too want to be strong and suppress rehashing and reliving the past. I too need to continue to work through my pain. My husband has moments of strength to work through it with me…but has difficulties being reminded of the what he has done. I can understand that…but his poor decisions to allow HER into our lives, break us down and inadvertently disrespect me…HURTS beyond belief. We too read the same book 7 months ago. However, she was unfortunately still a major part of his life and he was still “under a spell”…We should revisit the book and get a refresher. My wish is to to truly continue this recovery process and fully heal where I am no longer living in any pain from this horrible chapter. All the best to you. Thank you again. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I would highly recommend you read it again together. Highlight the things that really speak to you and open that door of discussion.That book changed my husband because he was ready, repentant and remorseful. I am in the process of writing a book which is now in the editing stages and I address her book alot. One of the things that really helped me was looking at who my husband could be and treating him that way. It was inevitable that he would become the man I believed him to be. When i treated him that way he dropped his guard and became more trusting of me with his feelings and all he wanted to do was to make me feel loved. The past was the past and nothing I did or he did would ever change that but we sure could make the future amazing!! Amazing Awaits!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi

    Oh my…
    My reply to your other post is so apt.

    Suggest that you should let THAT WOMAN’s husband know.
    Discuss with him whether letter of no contact should be served to one another

    Can I suggest a polygraph to be done ?

    Actually I think that there should be a test on the baby for peace’s sake.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. So sorry that she feels the need to do this. I would be livid. Glad your husband wants to do right by you. How long has it been since dday for you?

    Like

    1. Thanks @foreverchanged2014 My first D Day 1 was Dec 10, 2015 (7.5 months). Trickle truths brought on another (D Day 2) on Feb 12, 2015 (5.5 months) where My Husband admit to taking his AP to The Maldives in 2015…which was killer for me and a major setback…then on March 27, 2016 My Husband admit to still being in love with her but wishing that she was “out of his mind” (D Day 3 – 4 months)…to then “leaving me” on April 17 (D Day 4 – approx 3.5 months) and returning April 18. To be honest…we are so good right now…but I am wiser and stronger since D Day 1 to know that there is a lot more work to be done, nothing is guaranteed and we have to continually work on us to get stronger going forward together. One day at a time. x

      Liked by 2 people

  5. So sorry – this is horrible. I’m pretty sure I would react the same way. However, you clearly thought something like this would happen, as you prepared him by asking him to share any contact with you. Is that because you suspect your husband, or is it because, as he said “she’s crazy”?

    Only you know for sure.

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    1. Thanks @sunshinelifeforme I expected it as this is what I would do if I was in love with someone. I dont think she is entirely crazy…after all we are in love with the same man. Maybe we are BOTH crazy. Ha! Thanks again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Do you think the child is his? What are your thoughts on DNA testing? There have been more than one “things” that have popped up making me wonder if my husband has child\ren out there with a woman other than myself. But I simply cannot get enough evidence to prove this. He is that good at what he does, truly a master of manipulation. Discovery of a child would be the “last straw” deal breaker for me. I still live this nightmare every single day. And while in many ways we are so much better. The unanswered questions prevent my having “peace” in my life and mind. I am no longer sure that I can continue knowing there will never be closure to any of this, I will never know peace of mind again. It’s overwhelming to be “stuck”, and at almost 4 years I’m just running out of energy. Mine is a covert narcissistic sex addict who would rather loose it all than to tell the truth. He still claims that his penis has never been inside another woman since we married. THAT is the shit i’m supposed to believe. Sorry to be so long winded. I guess I need to start blogging again. Sorry that you know the pain of this intimate betrayal. It truly is the deepest, and most devasting trauma any person could be hit with. Best wishes for peace in your life.

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      2. Hi Chely, Thanks for your support. I sincerely DO NOT think the baby is his. Also because her husband would also be sure it was his before moving forward with her. I have to believe if the baby was my husband’s he would own up to it. I hope I am not being too generous of him to think this…because we all know we never expected our husbands to do the things they have done to us. I can fully relate to what you mean by unanswered questions. I too battle with this. Especially since the weekend of April 15. In any case we have decided to try and take baby steps. I know my husband hates being reminded of the horrible things he did and how much he hurt me…but I keep reminding him he has to own his mistakes and work together with me in recovery for our marriage, himself and me. His participation is key to our success. Hopefully we will get through this. Who knows. Hang in there. You are NOT alone. x

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      3. Yes it is incredible the amount of crap an affair throws into your life. I dohope your husband is truly working in the right direction with you. I do agree that i wish i would of left him the day of discovery so the really

        Liked by 2 people

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