“What If?”

Well my Husband advised that he didn’t want to read her birthday card message claiming he wasn’t interested in what she had to say and was convinced that her words were only manipulative and she is clearly disillusioned. A part of me thinks she was lead to believe what she wrote due to the “spell” they were both under. Another part of me also knows what she is capable of and is fully aware of her being up for the task of making my husband a “dishonest” man once again. Regardless of it all, her actions are still disrespectful to all intended. She just needs to go away and accept what’s done is done and stop being this selfish beeaatch that continues to hurt innocent people and drag everyone down with her.

My husband decided on his own initiative  to write her an email before he returned to his office…telling her thank you for the card…that we are doing really well and love each other…that he “REGRETS” the affair and causing me so much pain and hurt over the past two and half years…that he has chosen not to read the card and feels they should no longer communicate at all…he then closed off by wishing her and her husband only the best and a happy arrival for their baby.

He shared this message with me before sending it and I thought it was a strong and respectful message.I thought to myself she was so lucky to receive such a nice email considering all she has played a part in to cause so much hurt, pain and disrespect. However, he had second thoughts and expressed that maybe it was a bit “harsh”!  What?!?! Are you kidding me?! “HARSH?!?!” Wow…that really hurt…it felt like being punched in the gut.

Warning – Sidebar Rant coming right up:

How about finding 400+images of your husband and his affair partner making love? How about hearing your husband doubt that he can love you the way you want to be loved…more than once? How about hearing your husband’s love story with his lover in a 10 page “apology letter” to you? How about telling your wife you are still grieving the loss of the “friendship” with your lover and still need more time to get over it despite the fact that your wife hasn’t walked out on you knowing what she knows? How about telling your wife that you are still in love with your lover and asking why does it matter that you still love your lover? How about telling your wife you didn’t have loving feelings towards her and leaving her for a party that your ex-lover will be at? How about telling your wife you didn’t love her the way she wants and deserves to be loved… and that you needed space and time apart from her in order to be able to appreciate her and determine if you wanted to still be with her only for her to find out that you made plans to be with your lover ? How about finding cute, sexy and disrespectful messages between your husband and his ex-lover despite telling your wife that your ex-lover is dead to you and your wife has given you yet again another chance to prove your love? How about finding a birthday card from your husband’s ex-lover in his briefcase when you are trying to hide a sweet birthday surprise for him? “Harsh”…really?!

Apologies for that…still recovering with scars and bad recall as one should feel after experiencing what I have gone through.

I realised that his weakness for not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings including his ex-lover – is what got him into this affair in the first place. Not being strong enough to build higher boundaries to not send wrong signals and let his guard down from incoming threats from people like her. He needs to work on becoming stronger and being able to be uncomfortable when needs be in order protect what is most important to him. Like not getting out of that car and going into her house in the first friggin place!

Too much sitting on top of the fence.

He finally sent the email message to her and then forward the sent message to me for my reference. I am not going to lie – seeing this message did help make me feel a little better…but I cannot deny that I am still very weary of her and their possible “feelings” they may still have for each other. After all look what they did and for how long. For all I know they could be still in touch and very much in love. He could have told her he was sending this message but she was to ignore it. Who knows?

My husband once again swears he is so happy that we have found one another again and that he had every intention of telling me about the card and reading it together. I just keep telling myself to try and stop questioning things and be happy that we are on track to rebuilding our marriage and trust and life is really good for me and us right now.

I of course am NOT fully recovered and strong and do often have my doubts and flashes of insecurity. Remember I am still three months out since my last D Day. But I honestly have come a long way, DO feel stronger and AM still certain of our love.

I cautiously asked him last night some “what if’s?”…

“What if” she didn’t speak to him in the disrespectful tone that fateful night?…”what if” she hadn’t told her husband the details of every one of my husband’s conversations with her…”What if” she wasn’t carrying her husband’s baby? …My husband confidently told me that he IS certain that we would have found our way back to each other regardless of any “what if’s, ” as we ARE meant to be together.  I loved hearing these words. It seems as if he too has thought about this. I just hope he means it! As he has convincingly pulled the wool over my eyes before.

I know I will be stronger as each day passes…because WE ARE A LEGACY OF LOVE !

Yet…I cannot help wonder sometimes “what if?”…

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She’s Back!

Things have been improving with my husband significantly. We now feel more connected than ever before. We had an incredible weekend celebrating his birthday early as we would be apart on his actual birthday. It was a very sweet time for our family as it was full of love, laughter and happiness.

….But the Selfish Home Wrecking Beeatch is back!!  Why can’t she just leave us alone? Why cant she see that she has done enough damage to our family for a lifetime? Why can’t she focus on hers now that she has been given this undeserving chance to have one of her own? She doesn’t even see how lucky she is. She just wants to keep on hurting and taking from others. Why couldn’t he see this side of her from ages ago?

My Husband had a special milestone birthday recently and I had warned him that she would be definitely reaching out to him. I asked him to please let me know when she does. He promised he would.

Well so said so done…my husband had come out of a late meeting, was rushing to come home as we were having a special family birthday dinner together before he would have to fly out and leave us for the week. There it was…a birthday card waiting for him on his desk. He knew it was from her and quickly grabbed it and placed it in his bag and came home.

He arrived home to a full on dinner waiting for him with the kids and me eagerly vying for his attention before he left us later that night. After dinner he rushed to pack and take a nap before his airport taxi came for him in the wee hours of the night. After he had fallen asleep I placed our special birthday card in his bag so he could be surprised on his actual birthday…only to find a birthday card folded in half from HER!

I took it out and hastily read it. Once again time stood still for me. This was becoming such a familiar feeling, a feeling that I was too accustomed to. My heart popping once again out of my chest. I didn’t think this through properly…per my usual reactive personality…and barged into our room, woke him up and angrily asked him if he had anything important to tell me. He unfortunately didn’t. I was so disappointed…again.

When I told him I saw the card. He said he didn’t read it as he had decided that he was going to read it with me, but things were so “perfect” when he had arrived home that he didn’t want to ruin the happy atmosphere by bringing it up and the opportunity for the “right moment” wasn’t there. By the time dinner was over he had genuinely forgotten about the card, and then rushed to pack his bag, be with me and get some sleep for a couple of hours. He swears this is the truth.

Here we go again. He tried his best to reassure me that he was telling the truth…he begged me NOT to let her infect us again and push us backwards when we were doing so well. He reminded me that she means absolutely nothing to him anymore and they haven’t spoken. He said he doesn’t want to read the letter in the card and thinks we should throw it away. He apologised for this to happen at this time as we were doing so well together and he has never been happier and more certain of our LOVE for each other. What the hell does he expect?!?!

My head is spinning. I don’t even know what to believe now. However, I have to trust him if we are to continue to rebuild and become stronger. I chose to trust him. Of course there are nagging little voices in my head…thinking the worst “what if’s”. I insecurely started to re-hash the affair and he BEGGED me NOT to do this, as isn’t going to help us by going backwards.

He left for the airport at 1am and as soon as the front door closed I immediately read the card in full detail. Over and over. I am clearly a masochist.

The outside of the envelope said my Husband’s name and “to be opened on (my Husband’s birthday date). It was a cheesy birthday card with a handwritten letter pasted inside. (Her handwriting is so tiny…which gave me a little pleasure as this indicated to me that she is small minded.)  🙂 I’ll take what I can get.

It starts off “Darling (Husband’s name)…and says “if” but is then strategically crossed out with a big “X” through it…and then writes “when”…and continues to say “someday we find our way back to each other and speak again”… She refers to their love as a “legacy of love”.  She then wishes for him all of these special things…how she hopes that “self-love can steer the way forward” for him and that HE “MUST COME FIRST”…where it is underlines several times and is in ALL CAPS. She hopes that this is the year when he “TRULY” finds a way to feel “full and content” in his “own mind and heart”…and “when that FINALLY happens, all the goodness will spill over into the lives of people that are around” him…(I’m guessing that must be the kids and me right???). She continues to write that she hopes that this year he can be “free and encouraged”…and that she hopes he can pursue his own “passions” and that his “achievements and triumphs, however big or small, are always celebrated by those who surround” him…(Again I assume she is referring to the kids and me??) Wow!! Really?!

How ironic!  All this time my Husband apparently wasn’t receiving “self-love” when he pursued his dreams to go to a specific MBA programme, take on a job across the world, that has him away form his family more than with them…and then fulfill passions to be with her…and did she not celebrate his achievements and triumphs?  For FXck’s sake…I have been doing this for 16 years!

She then closes off with “Lots of Love, Ms. B”.

Needless to say this has set me back big time. WTF!! Is this what he has lead her to believe? And what the F does “Ms. B” mean?

When I confronted my husband he once again swears that he hadn’t read the card…that he had every intention to read it with me together, and reassured me that he has no idea why she wrote what she wrote. He advised that the nickname was a stupid name that has no significant meaning as her name begins with “A” and that “Ms. A” didn’t sound right so he had teased her that he would call her “Ms. B”…and that name had stuck. How adorable! Not 100% sure of that one either…but who the fXck cares?!

Well after more frustration, lots of tears and a lot of reassurances from my Husband – I have calmed down once again. He pleaded for me to NOT let her drag us backwards and that she is crazy and manipulative, how he had no idea why she would write these things… and that she clearly wants to use her persuasive ways once again on him and to get under my skin. I tried to defend her telling him that she must not be that bad if he was able to fall in love with her and that she obviously wanted to wish him a happy birthday on his special day…and her hopes for him had to genuinely come from somewhere. I told him that I wanted him to read the letter with me, despite risking for his feelings for her to be stirred by her loving words of hopes and wishes for him, so that he would see the demons that have been released into my head and heart yet again. He declined, saying that he doesn’t see any good coming from reading it and ripped the letter up.

She obviously thinks she still has an affect on him with total disregard for me. He advised that he had been waiting for an opportunity like this to put a stop to them communicating once and for all. (Sad that he needs to wait for an “opportunity” to tell her to stop all forms of communication with him and that breaking my heart and disrespecting me repeatedly wasn’t enough to go on.) He told me that he was going to send her a message, before he returned to his office where she is probably waiting for him assuming he has read the letter, telling her that he didn’t read the card and that she was to stop contacting him. We both agreed that that was a good idea and that he would share it with me before sending it and forward it to me to show me that he did it. I suppose any reassurance at this point would help.

He is still right beside me. I am still beside him.

Baby steps.