7 Months and Counting

Well here I am seven months later and thinking I would have been so much further along by now. A lot has happened, changed and IS for the better…but I still carry the heavy weight of the affair and ALL of what has happened at the forefront of my mind.

A family tragedy has come and gone and I wasn’t even able to properly grieve it. The burden from the pain that I live with trumps all other types of pain and suffering. It truly is the worst ever pain to experience above ALL others. I am convinced of this.

My husband seems to be a changed man. Since my discovery of those immature message conversations with her – he now seems to have cut all ties with her. He is completely mortified for all that he has done….remorseful for all of the pain and hurt he has caused me and for all of his stupid self-absorbed decisions that had disrespected his children and wife. He regrets ever trusting that woman because he now sees her for what she truly is. He claims he doesn’t even think about her unless I bring her up. (Not so certain if I believe that one since he was so adamant that he was “still grieving her” after all those months after he chose to leave her and even after I chose to give him a chance to provide his love to me…the lies had still continued.)

He is incredibly attentive, communicative, loving, affectionate, caring, etc. All too good to let my guard down ever again.

One friend thinks he doesn’t deserve me at all after what he has done to me….that he has hurt me way too much to ever be able to trust him again. Another friend is concerned that I am only hurting and disrespecting myself by letting him have, yet again, another chance with my heart. That I am only sending the wrong message to my children…telling them that it is OK to stay with someone who only hurts and disrespects you over and over…and I am letting him continue to do so.

I keep questioning what the hell happened between loving me, leaving her, fighting for me and us…because we were worth it and wanting to fight for me for the rest of his life…to leaving me for her and her unborn child that is supposedly NOT his…to then asking me to let him come home….and try to win back my love and trust once again.   How if I hadn’t bumped into her husband on that dreaded day…and that she hadn’t called my husband and spoke to him in that disrespectful way…and how she hadn’t betrayed him by telling her husband about all of “their” conversations together….and if she wasn’t pregnant with her husband’s child (not that it had stopped him with his recent decisions made)…that he would/could have left me for good and would be with her right now and not with my children and me. This weighs heavily on my mind 24/7.

I asked him recently about it all…once again…which he hates as he hates being reminded of the awful things he has done and the hurt he has caused me. I asked him what exactly did they say to each other that would make her send him an email on the first day of our vacation telling him that her husband supports them in trying to be with each other and see if they are meant to be together. He said only that things weren’t going well with us (albeit less than three months since D Day 1) and she had still cared about him, still wanted to be with him (AND let’s NOT forget pregnant with her husband’s child). He said that she was clearly delusional to even come up with that proposal and is not even sure if her husband really supported it as she is obviously a liar. (YOU THINK?!) However, how come he didn’t think that of her way back then? How come he got weak again after talking to her before our trip and it set him back significantly? It really shows a completely different side of him, to me…one purely driven by his ego…how he cannot endure being reminded of how horrible he was…and would prefer to be with her and hear how amazing he supposedly IS. Yet I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. No hiding or running from it. For ever and ever…with or without him in my life.

Makes me wonder if I should be fighting for this weak person to be a part of my life.

He said that my making that harmless comment about the affair on our way to the airport made him think that we weren’t good. Imagine…me saying “Daddy was preoccupied” to our kids supposedly pushed him towards her?! Really!?! I am only F@cking human! What about ALL of the horrible shit he had done to me and us…and I get judged on saying “preoccupied” and defending myself for being disrespected? I think it was really her words over mine that changed him and persuaded him to hurt me and lie to me once again.

How come he just simply cannot admit that he still loved her. That she still had an affect on him and maybe this is why he needed to leave me. I mean…MAN UP…own the consequences of your decisions.Admit it was him that had turned our pictures down in our home…that it was his idea to take the hundred’s of photos on their last trip together…that he was still in love with her. Just live your life the way you want and STOP hurting others in the wake of your own weakness. I just deserve the truth!!! That is what I want! I want the FXCKING TRUTH!

Did I spend time with someone else? Share intimate secrets and moments together with another man? Tell another man I love him? Leave my husband waiting at home with our kids while I was “working late”? Have unprotected sex in another man’s couch and bed…possibly in our bed too? Go on trips to romantic destinations with another man? Romantic destinations that he wanted to go to go on with me? Turn our family pictures down in our home so my lover doesn’t feel uncomfortable? Pretend to be sick to avoid having sex with my husband? Lie to to him? Disrespect him? Allow another man to disrespect him? Lie to his face despite him giving me yet another chance to fight for our relationship? Lie again? Organise late night dinners behind his back with my lover after I have supposedly recommitted to him? Let my lover choose our dog that he will have to live with and love no matter what? Send pictures from our vacation to my boyfriend? Save ALL of the sexy pictures my boyfriend sent me of himself to look back at? Did I? No. Heavy sigh…

He reconfirmed on that dreaded night when he had left me to go to that work party that she was at…that the “ugly” way I had reacted made him see a side of me that he didn’t like and made him think that it was never going to be good again between us…that he didn’t feel love for me that night and weekend (apparently for the first time) and also due to the fact that he was “under a fog/spell” made him confused and needed some space from me to be able to appreciate what he had to lose with me not being in his life. Really. I get treated like that because of my reactions!?! Nothing to do with her and how he felt for her?Any betrayed spouse would have reacted this way or maybe worse.  Another heavy !@#$%ing sigh.

He apologised over and over for his horrible choice of judgement. How pathetic and unfair that it is for me to be judged while only desperately trying to defend my marriage and self-respect that I get to be ill-treated, unloved and left just like that for my so called “ugly” reaction to being disrespected once again!?

Of course she was there waiting for him. Of course they had been sneaking around having cute chats, organising special dinners together and reconnecting right under my nose while she is pregnant for her husband and I am once again waiting for him at home.

He said that he actually had decided that leaving me and his kids would be the biggest mistake he could ever make and was planning on staying and NOT leaving  us. Really? Then why couldn’t he tell her this? Why can’t she be told that he doesn’t have loving feelings towards her?

How come at no time did hurting his wife and kids AGAIN come up as an option NOT to consider leaving us?! How come the fact that his wife was still with him fighting for his marriage wasn’t enough reason to stay? How come the fact that he supposedly never stopped loving his wife and would never leave his children wasn’t verbally mentioned to her since D Day 1? Never mind D Days 2 through 4. This unborn child and her betraying him gets to be the reasons why he is still here with me and our kids. What about his love for me and his kids? Shouldn’t that have something to do with staying?? Why can’t she be told this and put her the fXck in her place?

He says that OUR LOVE is why he is still here. Hopefully there is some truth to that! He is certain that we would have found our way back into each others’ arms no matter what we faced.

So – here I stand…still wanting to make things work with him…despite ALL of the lies, disrespect and pain that he has caused me. Despite my insecurities from being burned. Despite my fear of being hurt again. I know I must seem extremely pathetic and blind after reading this blog….that I must be in denial…and I must enjoy his emotional abuse to stay with him. Maybe?! However for some unknown force…I AM STILL CERTAIN!

I honestly believe that he hasn’t stopped loving me throughout ALL of this, as he never once made me feel unloved during the time he was seeing her. I do think I am an intuitive and perceptive person and would have felt his lack of love. He is only a weak person that needs A LOT of reassurance and passion. Because our marriage had a lull in it, due to all obvious reasons, circumstances and matrimonial challenges that have been thrown at us after 16 years of being together and almost nine years of being apart more often than being together. He just wasn’t strong enough to disappoint, fight nor resist her. His ego and penis were starving and it simply felt so good, “innocent” and “disarming” that he, his ego and penis wanted more and more. Of course that doesn’t give anyone the excuse to have an affair. However, we are ALL human and good people can make bad decisions. This doesn’t mean he is a BAD person. Only  a very weak one unfortunately. As for her…that is a different story…as I am certain she went out of her way to pursue him and make it hard for him to decline her flirtations. This too I am certain of.

I sincerely still love him. Crazy and pathetic as that may be…but genuinely still in love.

He has only been trying to reinforce his love for me since his final decision to recommit to me and us. We HAVE been given another chance to find ways to invigorate life and passion back into our relationship and marriage.  We HAVE found ways to love each other in a much stronger and more meaningful way. I KNOW that the only way is to go forward…with him.

Everything is even better than before. EVERYTHING. Except for my memory, conscience and insecure thoughts of self-disrespect. Am I only seeing what I want to see? I question it all over and over. Have internal conversations with myself…wondering if I am the fool and don’t want to see the truth. I can’t help but wonder these doubts after what I have been through.

I continue to take each day in stride. Baby steps with carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Wisely deciding how to handle and react to each situation while remaining as true as possible to myself while keeping my own self respect intact. Sometimes not so wise. Of course, it is only human of me to second guess what I am doing as I tread carefully and cautiously forward.

In the early days since D Day 1 I had searched for other people’s stories to get an idea of when the pain would subside. I was desperate to read successful stories claiming all was better immediately. I had no idea what was ahead of us. I honestly thought we would have been much further along not realising that she was very much still in his life. Not realising there were many more D Days to come…not seeing the reality of this tragedy and how long the journey to healing would actually take.

I still think about IT and HER daily. How disappointing it is to have to accept that our love wasn’t special and unique enough to be invincible and protect us from trash like her. However, it isn’t the first thing on my mind as I wake up nor the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep…like how it used to be. I guess I can call that progress! I do!

Seven months and counting…

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9 thoughts on “7 Months and Counting

  1. Hi Secondchances685,

    Grateful that I have found you, or rather that you found me. All (mostly) women who share what you went through with some variation, will tell you that it takes a very long time to heal and to become “human” again, as so much of your energy will be used up on painful memories but will also go toward getting out of this phase of pain, anger and sorrow.
    It is a long journey, unfortunately.

    You will be able to do it as you love your husband, and he will need to do a lot of work to earn your love. I have learnt from those who “make it”, that the person who had the affair(s) is capable of getting rid of their entire “ego” (by matter of speaking), which means to be brave enough to become vulnerable, which means, to be open and honest and transparent, and devoid of any signs or symptoms of holding back in any form by using deception, justification, blaming you and all that falls under that category of not taking full responsibility. It takes time….People who have done wrong often use ineffective ways to protect themselves as it is scary to face the impact in it full gory and ugliness. This is the reason why so many who betrayed their partner, cannot confess all in a few days….and the reason that the pain drags on for those who were betrayed as they wonder…”is this finally all, or is there more, and when can we finally start healing?”

    I saw that SRT has been giving you a lot of support already. I have received support from “our club” on WordPress. There is so much wisdom here….and also so much pain…but we can share.

    Take good care of yourself,

    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Elisabeth! Yours words mean a lot to me. Our insecurities from all of the affair details often work hard to break us down..or we let them because we are only human. Then we have to dig deep into our Wonder Women powers and help make us stronger. Thank you for your positive advice which helps me see that I am fighting mt fight for LOVE! SRT is super wise! So blessed and grateful for this support. x

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  2. I am glad you have given him a second chance. Are you both doing marriage counseling together which I strongly recommend?

    And job change is better to encourage bonding with daughters as well as you

    Please serve no contact letter to the OW. Has your husband apologized to the OW’s husband ? If ow didn’t apologize to you and your husband has been posted to the area where u live, you can write to HR.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. @ponderthinker Thank you. Yes we are both doing counseling together and like and trust her. The job change is still away but regulated weekend time which is 100% better for us. Good career move for him and great fresh start for all of us. We havent served the no contact letter as too much time has passed and no life left (supposedly). Husband has apologised to her husband and SHE did apologise to me at first in Dec 2015 byt telling me how hard it was for the both of them to stop seeing each other…boy did that make me feel great. But she then tried to take him away from us again over and over 2016 March – May.

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      1. If she still contacted him from March to May 2016, she WILL contact your wayward H again as she is approaching 2nd or 3rd tri semester where her moods swings would be most felt.

        My advice

        1) NC letter served to SHE (let the nice guy, husband know) – better get legal firm to do it. It is the most efficient for HER to stop and perhaps more painful for your H to PAY out of his pockets. He can afford it considering the fact he paid for the trip to Maldives which is not cheap. And I have not yet visited Maldives.

        2) If your H is really transparent, he must own up to his bosses and HR. Let HR deal with the cheapo staff if she dare to cross lines.
        Once you get wind of any correspondence, your H and the SHE can kiss their career bye like in NZ Marsh case.

        3) If needed, you should let your children know as I am sure they have seen you crying for no reasons. Let your H make up for everything.

        4) Create new memories – Visit Maldives with your H and visit the Maldives with H and KIDS
        Clean up your places or repaint or whatever if SHE has visited your home.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi there, I see that you’ve followed my blog. I was reading through some of your posts and I noticed something –
    You’ve been saying that you’re still not yet over the affair and the OW, and the thoughts of them still bring pain to you. You’re disgusted at what a selfish person the OW was. And your husband is doing “Everything he can” to love you and is “over her”. Your posts are still affair focused. Although technically you’re not really 7 months out, since the final recommitment occurred must later than DDay, I wonder if it’s the affair the you can’t get over, or who your husband was.

    Based on your posts, it seems that your husband has made many poor decisions that illustrated his weaknesses since DDay thats as left you shaken regarding him, and your marriage. Your husband has pointed out that he is “over her” for good, and that they are no longer a threat. He may be right – they are gone and will only stay in your marriage as a ghost. But perhaps the real threat less is about HER, but more about HIM. And I wonder, despite being a “changed man” man, whether he’s changed himself in the right direction to ensure that HE is no longer a threat to you (eg. engaging in another affair when things aren;t “good” at home, giving up (again) on this road to reconciliation, treat you poorly because HE doesn’t feel like it, become selfish and self-absorbed).

    I think the ping-ponging that he did has really left you shaken and I think that’s fair. because it showed he didn’t believe in your love enough. he didn’t commit. And despite him professing absolute love and a “Realization” of how much you mean to him, that he could turn away so quickly.

    That’s not to say what he is doing now is bad. Perhaps he is doing everything right – now. But as it will take time for you to heal, it will also take time for him to learn, to change, and to grow.

    It seems a lot of your pain and “Set back” still comes from fear – that he will give up, that he will leave, that he will not be able to love you in the way a FAITHFUL and COMMITTED husband should. Has he shown a REALIZATION/UNDERSTANDING in HIS shortcomings that led to the affair. A lot of why BS’s dig and probe is trying to find WHY and HOW the affair could have happened. But a lot of that investigation is unsatisfactory because they are looking more for external reasons than the internal reasons, which tend be a flaw in your husband instead.

    Based on your posts, some of your husband’s shortcomings were:
    – Selfish/Narcissistic – Everything revolved around him and it was never his fault. It was the OW’s fault : she lied and played him. He was under a spell. He was confused. He realized how important you were in his life and he wants you. He felt “bad” for her. Everything had a justification for what he’s done.
    — has he owned up to his own fault and weaknesses in this? He made a conscious decision to go outside the marriage. He is an adult and can differentiate between feelings, vs what’s right and wrong. He made the decision to re-engage her over and over again despite recommitting to you, and knowing it would hurt you to go behind your back. He decided to “check-in” on her because not because he felt bad, but because he wanted to despite his promises to you. Has he been able to reflect and realized his own selfishness and weakness in this? YOU cannot tell him this, but HE needs to realize this. It takes a lot of strength and open mind to be able to see and accept your own flaws.

    – Self-absorbed. It had everything to do with how he felt and less about his promises. Marriage will have it’s ups and downs and it takes 2 people to make it work. When it didn’t work for him (eg. when you were reacting poorly to the events), instead of standing firm, he left. He ran away. He prioritized his emotions and feelings and desires a lot more than thinking about others and they may be affected.

    – A lack of perseverance.

    – An immature understanding about relationships, marriage, and family.

    You also have your own short comings as well. Within the marriage as well as yourself. As you’ve put it, you “should’ve walked away” much earlier, and despised your own weakness of giving in. I think as much as you need to focus on healing your marriage, you also need to focus on healing yourself. An affair and the behaviour afterwards makes one person think they can no longer trust anymore. Certainly, the one person that promised to love and honour you forever betrayed you! Who else can you trust? AT the end of the day, you realize the only person you can trust is yourself because everyone is human, despite their best intentions. And you need to be able to fully trust yourself in order to trust him again. Because once you’ve gained your self-confidence, you know it doesn’t matter what he does in the future, because at the end of the day, you will be ok.

    If your husband is doing everything “Right” , encourage him to keep doing so. If there are things he still needs to do to help you trust him, don’t discredit his efforts, but help guide him towards where you need him to be. A therapist will help with this.

    Just keep in mind that trust isn’t about action alone. It also involves an element of persistence. For him to ping-pong back and forth after DDay, it has, in his words “jeopardize his chances” with you. Yes – it has jeopardized it because his behaviour has shaken a lot of faith in him, more so than just an affair. To prove himself, he’ll not only need to do “everything he can”, but to do it OVER and OVER for a LONG time DESPITE the circumstances. That he won’t be kind and loving just because it suits him, but because he cares about you a lot more than just how HE feels (eg. selflessness). Thats not to say what he feels isn’t important. But he’ll need to understand that trust will take a LONG time to be rebuilt, and it won’t happen until YOU feel safe. And that won’t ‘happen until you can see that he REALLY won’t walk away and that he truly is committed to LOVING you, your marriage and your relationship. In the hard times, he’ll need to find his own source of strength to stay hopeful about the marriage and relationship, not focus on the bad, but to remember on his own all the GOOD you have.

    And if your relationship really won’t work, I think both of you will know when that time comes. Until then, stay hopeful and be kind to each other!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you @stupidrandonthoughts. These thoughts are in no way stupid. I appreciate your comment…opinion…and suggestions. I am clearly NOT past the affair, her AND my husband’s actions. I am TRYING to focus on what is good in my life, marriage and myself. However I am who I am and feel what I feel. My insecurities and uncertainties all come with who I am. My Husband does seem like he is trying to be a better person and also trying to understand and reflect at what and why he did what he did. He is the one who insists we keep up with counselling and wants to work on himself. He in the process of changing jobs and is working on himself. Who knows…but this is where we are at at this moment and we are moving forward….step by step. YES…I need to work on myself. This is also a challenge as I am “an accommodator”…as my mother calls me. This has been my personality from very young. I am a perpetual work in progress. Like I said…baby steps. Thank you again. Please keep connected. I welcome your comments.

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      1. Thats wonderful. I didn’t mean to make assumptions about your husband and his work in recovery. I’m glad he’s doing all these things and trying to focus on you as well as himself. I just hope he realizes that the time it takes for him to work on himself and be a better person is his own time to heal, and NOT yours. You will heal when you are able. You don’t need to rush the process or feel ashamed. At the same time, make conscious efforts and small steps to heal and trust again, and not get stuck in the past.

        One trap I’ve noticed is that the betrayed spouse always promises to do “whatever they can” to “save this marriage”, and then unconsciously sets a time limit in their minds that as soon as they are over it, the betrayed spouse needs to be over it as well. Maybe this is a few months, a couple years… I hope him being a better person also will equip him better to help you heal, and to be patient with your recovery as well – and not be a better, yet self-absorbed person. I think there is a difference to want to be a better person for YOURSELF vs being truly remorseful has an element of both doing this for yourself, as well as loving someone else. The difference here is includes not own self-desire, but also humbleness and a desire to love someone else better. He’ll need to recognize your strengths as well as your sacrifices and carry that into his self-development.

        Just make sure that he understands your needs as well in order to heal. This may require talking about the affair and HER a lot more than what he desires. But he’ll need to endure that FOR YOU to help YOU heal. It will suck for him, but if he truly working on being a better husband, than hopefully he’ll have picked up the patience and understanding, as well as the tools, to help you during your times of trigger. When you bring up the affair, I challenge you to ask yourself WHY you feel the need to, and then trying to discuss it from that angle.

        At the end of the day, as much as we’d like to put the blame and responsibility on others, our lives are our own. We can only control ourselves. It seems like you have a list of weaknesses you want to work on as well. Maybe sharing your own struggles and your own weakness you’re trying to work on with your husband might help? It might be scary to be vulnerable, but this might serve a bond for you both to heal and improve together, and setting a vision for the marriage.

        Baby steps! But all in the right direction. And you WILL have set backs, but just focus on the overall trend. Being an accommodator isn’t necessarily a flaw or weakness, as society would like you to think. Because it means you are able to care about someone a lot more than yourself. And i feel our society nowadays feels that it’s foolish and weak. There is a lot of virtue in being generous and selfless. I might be wrong, but that may be one of your traits your husband fell in love about you, and is trying to be more selfless himself! In your case, I don’t think it was your accommodating personality that enabled him to have an affair. He should have been strong enough and faithful/loyal enough to make his own decisions and choices. If he disagreed with your accommodating, he could certainly have stood firm and said no.

        You being accommodating is important and is who you are! Don’t be ashamed of that.

        On the other hand, it’s also finding a balance and having the wisdom to see when your accommodating nature is unhealthy and is either hurtful to you, or accommodating unhealthy choices in other people. And then having the self-confidence and strength to set boundaries and communicate yourself clearly. What that means in the context of your self-esteem and your marriage – only you will know.

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