7 Months and Counting

Well here I am seven months later and thinking I would have been so much further along by now. A lot has happened, changed and IS for the better…but I still carry the heavy weight of the affair and ALL of what has happened at the forefront of my mind.

A family tragedy has come and gone and I wasn’t even able to properly grieve it. The burden from the pain that I live with trumps all other types of pain and suffering. It truly is the worst ever pain to experience above ALL others. I am convinced of this.

My husband seems to be a changed man. Since my discovery of those immature message conversations with her – he now seems to have cut all ties with her. He is completely mortified for all that he has done….remorseful for all of the pain and hurt he has caused me and for all of his stupid self-absorbed decisions that had disrespected his children and wife. He regrets ever trusting that woman because he now sees her for what she truly is. He claims he doesn’t even think about her unless I bring her up. (Not so certain if I believe that one since he was so adamant that he was “still grieving her” after all those months after he chose to leave her and even after I chose to give him a chance to provide his love to me…the lies had still continued.)

He is incredibly attentive, communicative, loving, affectionate, caring, etc. All too good to let my guard down ever again.

One friend thinks he doesn’t deserve me at all after what he has done to me….that he has hurt me way too much to ever be able to trust him again. Another friend is concerned that I am only hurting and disrespecting myself by letting him have, yet again, another chance with my heart. That I am only sending the wrong message to my children…telling them that it is OK to stay with someone who only hurts and disrespects you over and over…and I am letting him continue to do so.

I keep questioning what the hell happened between loving me, leaving her, fighting for me and us…because we were worth it and wanting to fight for me for the rest of his life…to leaving me for her and her unborn child that is supposedly NOT his…to then asking me to let him come home….and try to win back my love and trust once again.   How if I hadn’t bumped into her husband on that dreaded day…and that she hadn’t called my husband and spoke to him in that disrespectful way…and how she hadn’t betrayed him by telling her husband about all of “their” conversations together….and if she wasn’t pregnant with her husband’s child (not that it had stopped him with his recent decisions made)…that he would/could have left me for good and would be with her right now and not with my children and me. This weighs heavily on my mind 24/7.

I asked him recently about it all…once again…which he hates as he hates being reminded of the awful things he has done and the hurt he has caused me. I asked him what exactly did they say to each other that would make her send him an email on the first day of our vacation telling him that her husband supports them in trying to be with each other and see if they are meant to be together. He said only that things weren’t going well with us (albeit less than three months since D Day 1) and she had still cared about him, still wanted to be with him (AND let’s NOT forget pregnant with her husband’s child). He said that she was clearly delusional to even come up with that proposal and is not even sure if her husband really supported it as she is obviously a liar. (YOU THINK?!) However, how come he didn’t think that of her way back then? How come he got weak again after talking to her before our trip and it set him back significantly? It really shows a completely different side of him, to me…one purely driven by his ego…how he cannot endure being reminded of how horrible he was…and would prefer to be with her and hear how amazing he supposedly IS. Yet I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. No hiding or running from it. For ever and ever…with or without him in my life.

Makes me wonder if I should be fighting for this weak person to be a part of my life.

He said that my making that harmless comment about the affair on our way to the airport made him think that we weren’t good. Imagine…me saying “Daddy was preoccupied” to our kids supposedly pushed him towards her?! Really!?! I am only F@cking human! What about ALL of the horrible shit he had done to me and us…and I get judged on saying “preoccupied” and defending myself for being disrespected? I think it was really her words over mine that changed him and persuaded him to hurt me and lie to me once again.

How come he just simply cannot admit that he still loved her. That she still had an affect on him and maybe this is why he needed to leave me. I mean…MAN UP…own the consequences of your decisions.Admit it was him that had turned our pictures down in our home…that it was his idea to take the hundred’s of photos on their last trip together…that he was still in love with her. Just live your life the way you want and STOP hurting others in the wake of your own weakness. I just deserve the truth!!! That is what I want! I want the FXCKING TRUTH!

Did I spend time with someone else? Share intimate secrets and moments together with another man? Tell another man I love him? Leave my husband waiting at home with our kids while I was “working late”? Have unprotected sex in another man’s couch and bed…possibly in our bed too? Go on trips to romantic destinations with another man? Romantic destinations that he wanted to go to go on with me? Turn our family pictures down in our home so my lover doesn’t feel uncomfortable? Pretend to be sick to avoid having sex with my husband? Lie to to him? Disrespect him? Allow another man to disrespect him? Lie to his face despite him giving me yet another chance to fight for our relationship? Lie again? Organise late night dinners behind his back with my lover after I have supposedly recommitted to him? Let my lover choose our dog that he will have to live with and love no matter what? Send pictures from our vacation to my boyfriend? Save ALL of the sexy pictures my boyfriend sent me of himself to look back at? Did I? No. Heavy sigh…

He reconfirmed on that dreaded night when he had left me to go to that work party that she was at…that the “ugly” way I had reacted made him see a side of me that he didn’t like and made him think that it was never going to be good again between us…that he didn’t feel love for me that night and weekend (apparently for the first time) and also due to the fact that he was “under a fog/spell” made him confused and needed some space from me to be able to appreciate what he had to lose with me not being in his life. Really. I get treated like that because of my reactions!?! Nothing to do with her and how he felt for her?Any betrayed spouse would have reacted this way or maybe worse.  Another heavy !@#$%ing sigh.

He apologised over and over for his horrible choice of judgement. How pathetic and unfair that it is for me to be judged while only desperately trying to defend my marriage and self-respect that I get to be ill-treated, unloved and left just like that for my so called “ugly” reaction to being disrespected once again!?

Of course she was there waiting for him. Of course they had been sneaking around having cute chats, organising special dinners together and reconnecting right under my nose while she is pregnant for her husband and I am once again waiting for him at home.

He said that he actually had decided that leaving me and his kids would be the biggest mistake he could ever make and was planning on staying and NOT leaving  us. Really? Then why couldn’t he tell her this? Why can’t she be told that he doesn’t have loving feelings towards her?

How come at no time did hurting his wife and kids AGAIN come up as an option NOT to consider leaving us?! How come the fact that his wife was still with him fighting for his marriage wasn’t enough reason to stay? How come the fact that he supposedly never stopped loving his wife and would never leave his children wasn’t verbally mentioned to her since D Day 1? Never mind D Days 2 through 4. This unborn child and her betraying him gets to be the reasons why he is still here with me and our kids. What about his love for me and his kids? Shouldn’t that have something to do with staying?? Why can’t she be told this and put her the fXck in her place?

He says that OUR LOVE is why he is still here. Hopefully there is some truth to that! He is certain that we would have found our way back into each others’ arms no matter what we faced.

So – here I stand…still wanting to make things work with him…despite ALL of the lies, disrespect and pain that he has caused me. Despite my insecurities from being burned. Despite my fear of being hurt again. I know I must seem extremely pathetic and blind after reading this blog….that I must be in denial…and I must enjoy his emotional abuse to stay with him. Maybe?! However for some unknown force…I AM STILL CERTAIN!

I honestly believe that he hasn’t stopped loving me throughout ALL of this, as he never once made me feel unloved during the time he was seeing her. I do think I am an intuitive and perceptive person and would have felt his lack of love. He is only a weak person that needs A LOT of reassurance and passion. Because our marriage had a lull in it, due to all obvious reasons, circumstances and matrimonial challenges that have been thrown at us after 16 years of being together and almost nine years of being apart more often than being together. He just wasn’t strong enough to disappoint, fight nor resist her. His ego and penis were starving and it simply felt so good, “innocent” and “disarming” that he, his ego and penis wanted more and more. Of course that doesn’t give anyone the excuse to have an affair. However, we are ALL human and good people can make bad decisions. This doesn’t mean he is a BAD person. Only  a very weak one unfortunately. As for her…that is a different story…as I am certain she went out of her way to pursue him and make it hard for him to decline her flirtations. This too I am certain of.

I sincerely still love him. Crazy and pathetic as that may be…but genuinely still in love.

He has only been trying to reinforce his love for me since his final decision to recommit to me and us. We HAVE been given another chance to find ways to invigorate life and passion back into our relationship and marriage.  We HAVE found ways to love each other in a much stronger and more meaningful way. I KNOW that the only way is to go forward…with him.

Everything is even better than before. EVERYTHING. Except for my memory, conscience and insecure thoughts of self-disrespect. Am I only seeing what I want to see? I question it all over and over. Have internal conversations with myself…wondering if I am the fool and don’t want to see the truth. I can’t help but wonder these doubts after what I have been through.

I continue to take each day in stride. Baby steps with carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Wisely deciding how to handle and react to each situation while remaining as true as possible to myself while keeping my own self respect intact. Sometimes not so wise. Of course, it is only human of me to second guess what I am doing as I tread carefully and cautiously forward.

In the early days since D Day 1 I had searched for other people’s stories to get an idea of when the pain would subside. I was desperate to read successful stories claiming all was better immediately. I had no idea what was ahead of us. I honestly thought we would have been much further along not realising that she was very much still in his life. Not realising there were many more D Days to come…not seeing the reality of this tragedy and how long the journey to healing would actually take.

I still think about IT and HER daily. How disappointing it is to have to accept that our love wasn’t special and unique enough to be invincible and protect us from trash like her. However, it isn’t the first thing on my mind as I wake up nor the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep…like how it used to be. I guess I can call that progress! I do!

Seven months and counting…