Under a spell!

Or so he says….

After several calls, apologies, immense crying and remorse shown over and over – he came home. He told me his “truth”…how she had affected him once again and my reaction to his going to the work party had just pushed him farther away from me, but “the funny thing is that it had nothing to do with her”. Really?!…that’s supposed to make me feel better? I reminded him that he was talking to his wife in case he had forgotten. (!?!??)

He told me that he had decided not to leave me and wanted to recommit once again before she called him to tell him that I had bumped into her husband and had therapy together. He said the way she spoke to him on that call only reconfirmed that he was doing the right thing…that he wasn’t going to leave me and it also made him wake up to the type person she truly was. That her telling her husband about everything they spoke of was an unforgivable act of betrayal in his eyes.  (How ironic?) He pleaded for me to give him another chance…once again…and he requested we take baby steps. How he knew he may have screwed up his chances with me forever, but wanted to try now that she was definitely out of his life for good. He said that he didn’t want to mention “their” names ever again after that weekend. He once again said that she is “dead” to him, “gone”, that he was “over” her and that she was “no longer a threat to us”.

I honestly didn’t know what to feel or believe at this point. I was still in shock. Still no tears. How is it possible to feel the complete opposite for her in 24 hours…when he couldn’t once tell me that he didn’t love her since I discovered the affair six months ago? All this time I had to live with the fact that he was still “grieving the loss of her love and friendship” and that he was “almost over it” and I was to have given him more time. That if I hadn’t found the pictures he could have possibly gone back to her as they missed each other. And now this?!?

So life went on over the next few weeks. He had been extremely loving, attentive and affectionate, but I had my guard up high. Way high! We continued to go to therapy. I still felt so unsettled from all what had happened. Couldn’t wrap my head around how he could profess his love to me and tell me how he was never leaving me…how he loved me throughout the entire affair and never stopped loving me…how “amazing” we were and “worth the fight”…for him to only turn around and treat me like shit and tell me he doesn’t think he loves me the way I deserve to be loved, nor wanted to be loved and that he needed space to appreciate what he had to lose…then beg me back…all within 48 hours…AND not once (since D Day 1) had he told her that he loves me and wasn’t leaving me.. Not once!  F!@#$%^ing CRAZY!!!

I wish I had left him from day one to wake him the FXCK up. Maybe if I had done that I wouldn’t have had to have gone through all of this additional pain. With or without him…I wouldn’t have had to deal with this extra load of shit. Heavy sigh.

When I asked him to help me understand what happened to him leading up to that weekend, when he decided to leave me, when he decided not to leave me, etc…he would calmly tell me over and over that he had already told me everything I needed to know and now only I could help myself…I was so frustrated and felt completely suffocated in my own helplessness. I know – absolutely pathetic.

He told our therapist that he was “under a spell” and that it had finally been broken and he could now see the kind of person she was and that he had just snapped out of it. Wow…just like that!? She had asked him what happened if he fell under the spell again as he does work with his affair partner. He said again that she was “dead” to him…that she had betrayed him and he doesn’t forgive anyone who betrays him. He told her to ask me what happens when someone betrays him…he told her “they would be dead to him and he would never ever forgive them”. Again – how ironic!

He told her he wanted to focus on me, how I have only given my love, been there for him and our kids, built the foundation that has kept our family together…and now despite how much he had hurt me that he wanted the chance to build back my trust in him and us. He looked me in my eyes and reassured me that he doesn’t talk to her and that I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

Unfortunately I wasn’t 100% certain of his words as they had let me down several times before. So I had cautiously checked his phone and searched her name. There they were…several recent instant messaging conversations between them since I had taken him back once again. However there was a distance that you could sense from his words this time…albeit they were still filled with suggestive, cute, sweet, caring and encouraging messages from my husband’s side. Him sending her a link to a sexy song, telling her she can call him…him buying her chocolate for a snack…them planning to have tea and dinner together…it painfully goes on.

The familiar feeling in my chest appeared again while reading these messages. AGAIN!!

Her words were still as disrespectful as ever…telling him how she likes being his “life secret”…how she was going to spend the rest of her life being “dishonest” and was up for the task of making him “dishonest” with her as she was “much happier” when they were both dishonest. He said he understood what she meant. She even asked him if he could make time for her when he was next in office. She wanting to have tea with him. My heart was once again pounding so hard that I felt like I could actually see it bursting out of my chest. She truly is the most living selfish B!@#$%tch! and he is still being the weak and dishonest husband to me. D Day 4 (May 15, 2016)!

How could he once again let me down like this!?!! Lie to my face AGAIN and tell me that he wasn’t in contact with her and yet here was living proof? Why was he doing this when we were doing so well? Why not just let me go if he still wants to be with her?

He explained that after he had broken it off with her on that fateful day that I had therapy with her husband – that she had apparently been admitted into the hospital for a week due to a pregnancy scare from unexpected bleeding that she claims was from him leaving her.?!?! The F@CKING CXNT!! That he had felt responsible for the potential loss of this unborn child…so he was randomly checking on her because he didn’t want to be the cause of her to lose her baby, but he reassured me that he didn’t love her or want to be with her ever again like before. It was only for her well being. Well then why the suggestive conversation tones? Why doesn’t he reach out to me like that? How come he is able to find time for her and not for me? So much effort for her…so many excuses and continued lies for me.

He begged me to not leave him once again. He said he has never been more happier and in love with me and was certain we were going to make it. That he hadn’t felt this good in a very long time. He didn’t want to lose me over this as it was not at all what I thought nor the way it looked. Really? He said they had fallen back into the lighthearted banter that they were familiar with and that he didn’t want to upset her so he went along with it. His messages were definitely minimal and uninformative to her. That much I can say is true. I did also see a message from another work colleague telling Justin she was out of office as she had a scare. But still…why more lies? She is truly a disease riddled with lies and deceit. And he is like a hypnotised snake in a trance dancing to her seductive “innocent” and “disarming” music. Heavy sigh.

I of course was hurt once again and having a very hard time getting around this one. But here I still am…clearly with no self respect left…none at all.

Maybe I too am UNDER A SPELL…

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2 thoughts on “Under a spell!

  1. I would have left. I would have round-house kicked him in the chest and knocked his sorry ass out. I don’t know how you coped with such abusive treatment (and YES, what you have described over the course of your year of TRAUMA is abuse, at least how you have described it.) I truly hope that therapy and counselling has helped and allowed you both to heal. But don’t beat yourself up for saying WTF so many times. I read some of your posts and was literally shaking I was so affected, I can’t imagine what it was like living that trauma over and over again.

    I hope he realizes that he is going to have to earn not only your love but your trust back, and it is going to take TIME! You could have easily left him in the dust and moved on, and while that would have been painful in and of itself, you would have been fine. He wasn’t under a “spell”, he wasn’t confused or whatever excuse he gave you. He was selfish. All people who cheat are SELFISH. It is a selfish act to hurt someone in the way that he hurt you.

    I know you just recently passed ANOTHER D-Day…you shouldn’t be surprised if you revert back to a state of being absolutely numb or angry. That trauma doesn’t leave you for a long time, and so give yourself a break and realize that YOU deserve to treat yourself well. YOU have a long road to recovery, regardless of what your husband does or doesn’t do and your recovery is solely due to your husband’s role in betraying you. If he had been stronger or honourable then he could have stood by his commitment to you and said no in the first place. He would have stood by his vows, his family and his promise to love and cherish you. If there were problems, then he was responsible to communicate that to you and not step out the way he did. Your pain, depression, anger, and sadness is a DIRECT result of his actions. It will take time, it will be a slow process, and it will be painful. You might even find yourself thinking, “but we were so happy last week, how can I look at him and hate him so much today?” And then the next day, you can’t lie without him and want to fuck his brains out all night long. It doesn’t make sense, and only a certified counsellor will be able to navigate the minefield that has been created.

    Infidelity is the worst trauma a marriage can go through, second to only the death of a child. Stop and think about that for a moment, and think of how you would even fathom losing a child…you can’t. It’s not humanly possibly because emotionally, mentally and physically it is something that goes against the law of human nature. So then how can you begin to comprehend the winding, twisting maze of hurt, denial, anger and pain that comes from existing after the betrayal of someone you could NEVER have thought would hurt you this way in the same way you could never CONSIDER losing a child to death.

    Sorry for the long comment…your story hit me in a way I hadn’t expected…I actually hate what your husband put you through…the mind games…the lies….the way he made you question your beauty, your security, your sanity…I don’t know you at all except from what you have written, but no one deserves the hell he put you through. And as for Ms. B (stands for bitch right?), you are far too kind in your estimation of her. I think she is just as despicable and I hope she experiences the same level of pain and humiliation that she has put you through. I hope that while she is feeling fat and dirty and greasy after sleepless nights with a baby, her husband sleeps with a 20-something co-ed and she sees the pictures of them together, and the little notes she sends over social media and text.

    I truly hope you are on the road to healing…and I am sorry for what you have been through. I truly hope your husband is completely honest and honourable right now…because you deserve to be treated like royalty…

    Like

    1. Hi AWL. Yes…I have been to hell and am on my way back. I of course have written most of the nasty stuff…but I honestly wouldn’t have stayed and continued to stay if I didn’t believe that he truly loves me and if he treats me bad in any way going forward. He has been amazing to me and our family since last May. I do now cautiously take each step forward with one eye over my shoulder…looking like a Rhesus Monkey. I know that there are no guarantees…life is precious. Love is rare. Who knows what the future holds?

      I stayed for many reasons…we live far away from where we are from and I had no where to go until I fully figured out what to do. We had (and have) an amazing love for each other which makes me feel we are worth fighting for…we have a beautiful family to protect and cherish…and he has only made me feel loved since the last horrible episode.

      The good news is that I didn’t even realise I had passed another D-Day. Ha! Small steps for mankind I tell you!

      “Ms.B” is actually the name they (my H and the @#$%) had given her. I have no idea what it means…but “Beatch” works well for me.

      Unfortunately Ms. B hasn’t gotten fat, dirty or greasy. She looks amazing. She looks happy. Her baby is cute. (Yes…I shamefully still occasionally stalk her.) I am hoping karma is dealing with her too…as we are all dealing with our karma in one way or another. I tell you – I must have been one messed up bitch to be dealing with this..and carry these scars for the rest of my life.

      I had read a blog that is now deleted…and her last post was saying goodbye to blogging as she had come across another blog and it upset her so much with triggers…that she couldn’t understand why this woman stayed and kept the dog after all she had been through…that she decided to leave the blogging world as she didn’t want setbacks with the progress she was making in her marriage. It was so weird to read about me in someone else’s blog…and it made me question if I am the fool for staying. But I can only go on what I feel and truly believe. I sincerely believe he loves me…but again know that there is no guarantee…this i have learned the hard way.

      I too started my blog to vent…to write…and bitch and cry about my pathetic “shituation”…because I was tired of bringing my friends down all of the time with my depressing world. Even though I am still somewhat consumed by the affair…more so by her (as I have 400 images of her beautiful body burned into my mind). the blogging has helped…but maybe it also sets me back too as it makes me upset to read what other BS’s are going through. However, it is amazing to feel the supports from many fellow bloggers. I ignore the naysayers as you cannot judge anyone unless you literally walk in their shoes.

      I look forward to reading more posts by you. Stay strong and positive as you are.

      Take care of yourself AWL!xo

      Liked by 1 person

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