We had a great week finally. He was better after being sick for two weeks. He finally gave me the words I wanted to hear. He told me that he wasn’t giving up on us. That we were special and worth fighting for to get us back to AMAZING. I felt good. I was smiling for once…unfortunately that feeling was short lived.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…
He came home last weekend claiming he had to go to this work function and spouses were not invited, but I could come if I wanted to. Huh? He continued to convince me that I wouldn’t like it at all as I wouldn’t know anyone there and wouldn’t enjoy myself. Clearly he didn’t want me to come. Of course I was hurt because I only wanted to spend time together especially after our shitty vacation trip and then with him being sick up until recently. Moreover where we were in our relationship and knowing that she could be there, didn’t sit well with me at all. This only made me feel that he didn’t care, wasn’t fighting to fix us and prove his love to me if he had already decided he was going to this event with that attitude??
Well we fought for hours and it just went from bad to worse. He got so exasperated with my anger that he became cold and distant and said “I think I should just let you go as I can’t seem to do or say anything right and then you get like this.” I tried to get him to engage with me, look at me, hold me..but he was cold and indifferent. I pointed out how he couldn’t even look in my eyes and touch me…and he scolded me and demanded me to “stop labeling him”. He said he loved me but he had to go and then he left me after midnight. Keep in mind we have no time together and it was our weekend.
Of course I cried. He didn’t come home until after 5am. He didn’t come to me or touch me. I went and got him to come to bed with me. He was distant more so than ever before. I just softly cried to myself until the sun rose.
I packed my bags. I had to get a way. I didn’t want to alarm our children, but needed to run away…if only for a night. He stopped me. He flippantly told me that I needed to stop fighting and just be. That leaving would do us no good and not help us recover. That I needed to try to find the love we once had without bringing her up and making it so hard for us. (But leaving me and going to a party where she would be at is OK and helpful to our recovery?)
I asked him if she was there and he said he saw her at a distance, but didn’t talk to her and that she was only there for 10 minutes or less. He reassured me that him going out had nothing to do with her being there. I tried to explain to him again why I could react this way of him choosing to go and hurt me as a result. He accused me once again of fighting and labeling him. I stayed. I know. I AM SUCH A FOOL!
The rest of the weekend was quiet, but you could feel the distance and coldness between us. We had pity sex for me, but we didn’t make love at all which I took personal…for obvious reasons. On the way to work, I asked him if he was still attracted to me and he said he wasn’t sure after how I had reacted this past weekend and that this was the first time he hasn’t felt loving feelings towards me. I am hurt once again. He told me to give him some space so he could figure things out and that he wanted to see his therapist and asked if I could make an appointment for him. How is it that he gets to tell me this despite ALL of what he has done to me and us?
I felt uncomfortable of how we parted so asked him to meet me for lunch so we could try and sort out things before he flew out and left me for another week. He came and when I pointed out all that has happened over the weekend and why I felt so uncertain…he began to cry and tell me how amazing I am…that he didn’t think it was going to work out between us as he cannot love me the way I want to be loved, that I deserve more and better and he needed to let me go so I can have the chance to find love again….someone who could love me that way I wanted to be loved. He said that the way I had treated him this weekend made him realise that I will never get past what he has done and it cannot work for us. He said that his kids would probably hate him when they found out about what he had done…which only made me think that is why he has stayed with me this long. He told me that we needed to separate and that he would be home on the weekend to discuss the next steps. He looked me in the eyes with his eyes filled with tears and said “I am so sorry. Just know that no matter what happens I will always love you. I am sorry.” and then got into a taxi and left me standing there bewildered in what had just happened. Just like that!
I cannot explain how I felt at this very moment…as I thought December 10, 2015 (D Day 1), February 12, 2016 (D Day 2) and April 4 on our trip when I learned he still loved her and she was pregnant (D Day 3) were the worst. However, this was now the worst as at least I had hope before. Now I just have this empty lost feeling of confusion with no direction to go in. I was completely blindsided. I felt totally numb. Still standing where he had left me and drove off in the taxi.
He called me hours later while we were both still at work. I unfortunately became absolutely and embarrassingly pathetic and told him that he hadn’t even given our marriage a chance and that I deserved that chance and so did our kids. I told him that he hadn’t even tried. I pleaded and begged just to try. I know. I hated that I got like that…but this is how one naturally reacts to a situation like this. He remained cold and said that he needed more time.
I sent him the message where he had recently (only a few days earlier) told me how amazing we were and that we worth fighting for…but he had only replied with a cold “I am so sorry”.
I was beyond devastated. I was in shock. No tears. Nothing.