Well little did I know when I booked our romantic weekend away to celebrate our 12th anniversary that it would be at the same hotel chain as where they had spent their romantic escape in The Maldives. Really!!? Can’t a woman get a !@#$%^& break?!
We tried to make the best of it but we could feel the tension in the air of the extra efforts we had to make to keep the atmosphere between us positive as much as possible. However, sadly my need for digging still existed so we hit rock bottom a couple of times. I gave him a new unique bracelet that I had searched high and low for… something special to replace her Tiffany one…to represent our fresh start…to represent our love. I found it online from Italy. The designer accidentally sent it to the wrong address. I got it resent to me and then engraved with a special message between us and representing our love for each other. He loved it. He wore it despite that it was a little big. I got it shortened one week later. Then he accidentally forgot to remove it before playing a football game and it fell off and lost it for good. Drama Queen me took this as a sign.
He had given me a beautiful eternity diamond ring for our anniversary. It screamed guilt. I stupidly and hastily gave it back to him and told him that I didn’t want it. Not true. But I was being dramatic. I eventually asked for it back so I could show it to the girls when they asked to see it. Pathetic…again.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Thinking about the darkness of it all and hoping not to push him further away…and yet in the same breath…wishing I could just tell him to F#CK off and never look back. I wish I could talk to someone who is going through or has gone through this and could give me some kind of guiding light to let me know I am not alone.
The blogger on this site called “thiswillnotdefineus” was my one true inspiration. Her words are real and refreshing. I miss reading them for the first time and wish she would post more often. I guess she is in a better place so this is inspiring within itself. I want to see success stories to give me hope that I will get past all of this darkness, be able to live with the memories and that my marriage stands a chance of survival.
I am writing this blog for my sanity. Tired of being just doom and gloom to my friends. Hopefully it can help some innocent reader that accidentally bucks it up when searching for a beacon of light while trying to fight for her marriage like me. Who knows?