Our 12th Anniversary

Well little did I know when I booked our romantic weekend away to celebrate our 12th anniversary that it would be at the same hotel chain as where they had spent their romantic escape in The Maldives. Really!!? Can’t a woman get a !@#$%^& break?!

We tried to make the best of it but we could feel the tension in the air of the extra efforts we had to make to keep the atmosphere between us positive as much as possible. However, sadly my need for digging still existed so we hit rock bottom a couple of times. I gave him a new unique bracelet that I had searched high and low for… something special to replace her Tiffany one…to represent our fresh start…to represent our love. I found it online from Italy. The designer accidentally sent it to the wrong address. I got it resent to me and then engraved with a special message between us and representing our love for each other. He loved it. He wore it despite that it was a little big. I got it shortened one week later. Then he accidentally forgot to remove it before playing a football game and it fell off and lost it for good. Drama Queen me took this as a sign.

He had given me a beautiful eternity diamond ring for our anniversary. It screamed guilt. I stupidly and hastily gave it back to him and told him that I didn’t want it. Not true. But I was being dramatic. I eventually asked for it back so I could show it to the girls when they asked to see it. Pathetic…again.

I feel  like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Thinking about the darkness of it all and hoping not to push him further away…and yet in the same breath…wishing I could just tell him to F#CK off and never look back. I wish I could talk to someone who is going through or has gone through this and could give me some kind of guiding light to let me know I am not alone.

The blogger on this site called “thiswillnotdefineus” was my one true inspiration. Her words are real and refreshing. I miss reading them for the first time and wish she would post more often. I guess she is in a better place so this is inspiring within itself.  I want to see success stories to give me hope that I will get past all of this darkness, be able to live with the memories and that my marriage stands a chance of survival.

I am writing this blog for my sanity. Tired of being just doom and gloom to my friends. Hopefully it can help some innocent reader that accidentally bucks it up when searching for a beacon of light while trying to fight for her marriage like me. Who knows?

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4 thoughts on “Our 12th Anniversary

  1. The hardest part is that stay or go, this is forever. Their choices and actions impact us forever. Have been playing catch up and i ache for you, SC. So many familiar feelings. I, too was sure a long term affair would result in me walking out the door. I guess you are enculturated to believe cheating will immediately make you hate them. But that rarely happens. Love is a powerful force, and it can be a both a blessing in gluing you together long enough to work through the pain but also a hindrance to making good decisions, for example, if you really need to separate. This has been my struggle. I thought I had accepted this. But you have to keep re-accepting. Forever. I recall that feeling of enormous loss, the night he said yes, when I showed him the text message from her about their affair. Up until that night, I had no idea. I though our (then) 21 years was unique. Precious. Special. Treasured. My whole worldview twisted that night. And I KNEW that what he did was undoable. And things would never be the same again. Together or apart. But really, I had no idea of the impacts of living with such betrayal. The full weight of it kept hitting me. And I think about five years in, I really felt completely worn down by the fight.

    Be as kind to yourself as you can manage. It is an ultra marathon. It was two years before much clarity was really felt for us. And mine says he never loved her. And it was definitely over before I ever knew. Sending strength and deep understanding xxx.

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    1. Thank you for your comment and kind words @horsedrcomin. I can fully relate to everything you have said. I still believe I am to remain by his side fighting the fight….but you are so right…it is a difficult journey and who knows what the outcome will be. I can only go with my heart and gut and see where it takes me. So far he has only been amazing to me since my last D Day. Yes, there is no guarantee and yes..no one is safe. Lessons I have learned. I also know and accept there are more to come. Baby steps…it is all I can ask of myself for now. x

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  2. Honestly, it hurts me to even read your story. I know the pain all too well. I wish I could provide you with words of wisdom – of what to do and what not to do, but I am still a working progress myself. In June/July -ish it will be 2 years since finding out my husband of 10 years had been having an affair and honestly, I am definitely not healed. The first year was a never ending battle. And don’t be hard on yourself for still having sex with him, most all of us do it. The first year is going to be the worst tho, if you get past it, then your marriage might have a chance. I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to – I am here for you ok.

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