Well we have made it this far. Despite ongoing fighting, lots of crying and yelling and hurting myself out of sheer frustration…we are still here fighting for our marriage. After drowning myself in more books and articles for whatever motivation and support I could get my hands on…I am still hanging on. He had expressed to his boss that he needs to change his job and had given him verbal notice. Which is a huge move on his part. He said his family means more to him than his job. I wished he had felt this way years ago as we both believe that his job is one of the contributors that had weakened our relationship and he apologised for not seeing this before.
He still sees her in the office which makes it hard for us. Hard for me because I know it makes him “weak” and stirs up some of those so called “strong feelings”. Hard for him because he doesn’t want to be mean to her as he still cares about her well-being. So far he claims they only say hello in the office halls. What do I know? So many lies have been thrown my way. What’s a few more just for fun?
So we go on this long anticipated planned family vacation that we have all been looking forward to. This very well could be our last one together as who knows what the future holds for us and if we will in fact be able to make it and survive this horrible ordeal.
On the way to the airport I insensitively said that “Daddy was preoccupied” in front of our kids…while passing a building of a place we hung out at while my husband was supposedly working late and most likely was with her. I had promised earlier that I would NOT bring the affair up in front of the kids ever. Clearly I failed. My husband glared at me and didn’t speak to me for the entire eight hour flight and first night.
On top of that he was very sick with fever, coughing, body aches and pains. So as a result he was unloving and distant. I of course took it personal as how come she doesn’t get the sick man on her romantic escapes and the one little trip we finally get, albeit with our kids, he is dying. So messed up.
He did make an effort and tried to keep up with the sight seeing, but he was weak and tired and still had work to do. I unreasonably snapped at him as she got so many healthy, fun without any work and romantic chances with him. He seemed so down and distracted. It occurred to me that maybe he was missing her. So after the third day I asked him if he still loved her…he broke into tears…curled up into a little ball and rocked back and forth while bawling saying “I don’t know…I don’t know…I wish I didn’t…I wish she was out of my head”… HUH?!!
BAM!!! It felt just like the day I discovered the pictures of them…and the moment I found out above The Maldives…but worse.
I stood there in total shock?!?!?! Oh my god! He is still in love with her?! What the @#$%^ am I still here fighting for?! I thought there was hope for us. How can I still be fighting all this time if he still loves her? When I told him I couldn’t be here if he still loved her…he flippantly questioned “why does it matter?”…”What difference does it make?” WTF?! It makes all the difference in the world to me. My finding out and staying by his side should have been enough to wake him the F#$% up and re- prioritise his life accordingly. I simply cannot go on if he still loves her.
He breaks down again and cries…and says “I lied to you again. I spoke with her in the office before our flight…to see how she was as the last time we spoke I was rude to her and felt bad…and she broke into tears and told me she is pregnant and had been wanting to tell me but I wouldn’t talk to her. I was going to tell you after our vacation so it didn’t ruin our time together because I knew it would upset you that I broke your trust once again and had spoken to her in the first place.”
HUGE SLOW MOTION BOMB WENT OFF IN MY HEAD! I took a deep breath and asked him…”is it yours!?” He became perturbed and snapped at me saying “of course not!” (Couldn’t it be possible?) I also asked him if this news made him sad…and he replied “maybe a little bit”. (Again WTF?!) I stormed off feeling hurt and further lost and confused.
We continued our plans for that day and he tried to be loving to me. But I was just a total emotional wreck. Tears running down my cheeks constantly while I try to hide them from our kids and others. He reached out and touched my hand, but I was rigid and frozen. He pulled me aside and told me he loved me and begged me to love him back. I coldly replied – “I am leaving you”. He cried and I walked off.
She is like a cancer to us. We cannot get rid of her no matter how much we try. She has infected our very being. Once again she is with us on our vacation…ruining f@#$%^ing everything.
We endured another long wasted vacation day on her and their love…for us to argue some more and he then finally claims he isn’t in love with her, but the human in him cares about her well being. He asked me “is that so bad of me to feel this way?”
We stupidly made love. This !@#$%^ hysterical bonding is killing me. Why can’t I resist him? I only assume that making love keeps us connected somehow. I am not even sure if he wants to make love to me anymore…or is he only trying to keep me from leaving. Isn’t sex the last thing to go in a relationship? Or in marriages the first? I am all over the place in my head. I know.
So we continue trying to fight for us. However, for whatever was discussed between them at their last conversation – it has obviously changed him. I wonder if he wishes it was his baby. I wonder if she wishes that he had stayed with her. I wonder if he did consider leaving me or IS considering leaving me. I only hope he has chosen to stay with me because he still loves me for me and not because he doesn’t want to mash up his little sweet family.
One can only hope.