AND THIS IS HOW SURVIVAL LOOKS ON ALL OF US!

By Kathy Parker

And sometimes it is so hard to care for others when you can barely care for yourself. When you are tired in a way sleep will never ease. When the night goes too long and the morning comes too soon and you wonder where you will draw the strength to get through another day when there is nothing left in your drought-stricken bones.

You dress, make coffee, force a smile and hope nobody studies your eyes close enough to see the 4am loneliness that still lingers like tendrils of ivy that have crept in and wrapped themselves around your soul; relentless, incessant, determined.

You wear brave so well that nobody sees beyond the surface of your survival to the battle beneath. The way every day is another day on the frontline, no matter how exhausted and torn apart you already are. Nobody sees the fresh blood drawn from old wounds or the anguish in your muscles that are always on guard or how much it takes for you to get back up when your knees bleed from the crawl.

You do the best you can but it never feels enough. Every night inadequacy whispers its shame against your ear and soon your heart beats in time with its words. Failure. Disappointment. Hopeless. Weak. Useless. Incapable. All you ever wanted was to do better – to be better – than what was shown to you. But you feel as though you fall so short. That you let down those who need you. That you aren’t enough and never will be.

You’re so damn hard on yourself. As if it isn’t enough just to have survived this far. As if it isn’t enough to have found a way to stitch your broken pieces together when there was such little of yourself left. Instead, you’re so ashamed of not being straight lines and seamless joins and all you see are the jagged scars drawn across your body and your fingers trace over them like braille and to you they spell defeat.

Darling, let me tattoo truth inside your wrists so when you’ve forgotten who you are you need only look down. Undefeated. Worthy. Resilient. Strong. Courageous. Determined. Perfect. Enough. And if the light grows weak and the words fade before your eyes I will say them out loud and the letters will fall from my mouth and form a bridge that will lead you back to yourself once more.

You are so much more than you see. Your weakness intertwines with courage, your fear entangles bravery and your vulnerability is laced with strength. There is so much fortitude in the way you give all you have, even when you have nothing to give.

I know, today, you don’t believe me. I know today you are tired eyes and tear-stained pillows and battle scars etched upon your face. But all I ask is you look away from what you have come to believe about yourself and instead, look at me. Search my eyes for your reflection and in them you will see the truth.

That the way survival looks on you, my friend, is nothing short of breathtaking.

https://www.truth-code.com/2017/09/and-this-is-how-survival-looks-on-you.html?utm_source=Join+the+Truth+Code+mailing+list+for+our+most+popular+content&utm_campaign=83d806f5ad-TRUTH+CODE+RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a1f99bfeb7-83d806f5ad-132010441&mc_cid=83d806f5ad&mc_eid=29869c1c25

 

 

A Clean Slate…

http://www.truth-code.com/2017/06/why-giving-your-relationship-second_7.html?utm_source=Join+the+Truth+Code+mailing+list+for+our+most+popular+content&utm_campaign=143042b840-TRUTH+CODE+RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a1f99bfeb7-143042b840-132010441&mc_cid=143042b840&mc_eid=29869c1c25

Just read a helpful short article on how to treat a second chance. See above link and below excerpt.

—

A CLEAN SLATE.

That’s what you promised each other when you decided your relationship deserved a second chance. Creating a new set of rules, each of you swore to follow, you consider another shot at recreating your story.

You were both so sure that things would be easier this time. “Now,” you said, “we’ll know what to do and what not to do.” But the only thing you forgot to mention, is the fact that the next time you fight over the same things, it’s going to be intentional – and I don’t think that sounds very sensible.

You fought so hard to make things work this time around, but it’s difficult to keep your visions straight when it felt like you were constantly looking over your shoulder to check in on each other’s loyalty.

You were careful. Too careful, really, that it made it seem like every single thing was rehearsed. Nothing came naturally anymore. The fights and rants lessened only because you chose not to speak your mind in fear of upsetting each other. You never really gave each other another chance to fix things; what you really gave each other is a chance to end things differently.

BUT IT STILL ENDED.

You’re not being honest with each other about your inner fears. You want so badly for things to work out, but the truth of it all is; things can never be the same as they were before. And isn’t that the whole point? We want change. It’s time we accept that. If you’re reading this piece, and you’ve made it this far, it’s safe to say you’re stumped. Where do you turn from here?

DO YOU GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE?

Second chances are something we feel obligated to pursue. If we don’t, we might go about our days wondering how things could’ve been different. There comes a time when we realize, second chances can only work when we stop forcing them to. It will always take hard work, whether it’s the second time around or not. The best way to find closure in your past could be to go back to that clean slate you first promised each other. Don’t try to decorate it with elements of what used to be; it’s time to create a new love story.

—

The take away from this for me is to:

• Try my hardest to stop living in fear. This one is a toughie as my memories haunt me still which make me look over my shoulder more often than I wish I did.
• Stay committed to the cause of working hard to keeping our relationship healthy and not force things to happen (which I know I am guilty of). As all relationships should never be taken for granted, need less pressure and more commitment and attention in order to make things work.
• Try and not focus on what we had and were when we were amazing and concentrate on what we can do to make our new love story even BETTER than before.  As always – this is a work in progress.

Nothing is impossible…

One step at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

The Hard Truth!

This was posted by my 80+year old 6th Grade Teacher.

---

Here’s the Truth Ladies! (or Gentlemen!)

The following doesn’t keep a man:

Being pretty…Being honest…Being loyal…

Treating a man good…Being there for him…Caring about him…Making an effort for him…Paying attention to him…Spending time with him…

You could have the BEST intentions…you could have the most sincere feelings…you could be a good woman…and you still wouldn’t be able to keep a man.

Because the only way to keep a man is that if he wants to be kept by you.

You can’t force a man to be with you…You can’t beg a man to stay with you…You can’t love a man into loving you.

You can tell when a man wants to be kept when the relationship gets hard…and he does EVERYTHING to fight for you..

Because a man only fights for the girl he wants to belong to.

So if he isn’t fighting for you when things get hard…

Then that means that he no longer wants to be kept by you anymore.

The Moral of this?…

Don’t hold on to a man who doesn’t want to be kept by you.

No – you are NOT giving up on him…it’s him who gave up on you.

And it’s you who should not want to give anymore of your time than you already have.

Know when its time to let go and walk away…and know it is time for him to be un-kept.

“The Lovely Blogger” Nomination. So Touched

Thank you E of “Marriage, Relationships” for nominating me for “The Lovely Blog Award”. Such a nice award name in itself. 🙂

POST 67: LOVELY BLOG AWARD

This comes as a sweet surprise as I never thought my blog would be noticed much less nominated for anything. This is such an honour and I am extremely appreciative of this kind gesture. Thank you “E” and to my fellow bloggers and readers simply for your company.

SOME RULES:

• Thank the person that nominated you and leave a link to their blog
• Post about the award
• Share seven facts about yourself
• Nominate at most 15 people
• Tell your nominees they’ve been nominated for one lovely award

7 Facts About Myself:

1. I LOVE LOVE! Hopelessly a romantic in every sense of the word. Still a little girl I guess.
2. I try my best to find the truth in everything I say.
3. I care way too much about hurting people’s feelings or being misunderstood
4. My religion is my soul and my church is my mind. I try not to hurt anyone and help pay it forward through the little things in life.
5. Some of my guilty pleasures are “Ellen” and Strawberry Haagen Dazs ice cream, but my real ones are just being in the moment with my husband, kids and friends – and just smiling and feeling truly blessed.
6. I am not 100% sure of anything anymore, but still trying to be true to myself as much as possible.
7. I am still insecure about the affair, still looking over my shoulder and still have setbacks after 1 year and 4 months….but getting stronger each day.

 

There are so many bloggers that should be awarded for their captivating and helpful writing. I have included the ones that helped me through the early days. However there are so many more to include on the below list. Thank you all for sharing your stories and holding our hands through this

My nominees:

https://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/

https://savingshards.com/

POST 67: LOVELY BLOG AWARD

https://lifepostaffair.wordpress.com/

https://healingafterhisaffair.wordpress.com/

https://workingtowardshealingafterhisaffair.wordpress.com/

https://luvcanbuildabridge.wordpress.com/

https://temptedblog.wordpress.com/

https://behindmychoice.wordpress.com/

https://betrayedin2012.wordpress.com/

https://heplayedme.wordpress.com/

https://ofachesandtears.wordpress.com/

https://fallingashblog.wordpress.com/

https://oncewhole.wordpress.com/

https://theaffairdiary.wordpress.com/

“Beloved, come back to yourself.” by Kathy Parker

Wanted to remind us BSs…to come back to ourselves…so sharing this beautiful piece with you. Hope you appreciate it as much I do. WE ALL MATTER!

—

This morning you woke again and carried the weight of your sadness into your day, and you wonder how you got here, to this place where you are so broken, so lost.

You no longer even know who this woman is, the one with the drawn face and colourless eyes. She is a stranger; a shell of emptiness and grief.

There is nothing left of you, only the parched skin that covers your withered bones. Somewhere within you a heart must still beat, but it is faint, thready, and you wonder how it even draws life when you have given so much of it away.

You never meant to lose so much of yourself. You thought maybe if you broke off pieces of your heart and placed them in the hands of others, they would see the gift you had given them. Maybe they would know how much it cost you to tear apart your flesh, and they would cherish this piece of you that rested in their hands. Maybe they would see you, know you.

Maybe they would love you.

Piece by piece, you ripped yourself apart. Piece by piece, you gave yourself away. Sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a night. Sometimes for a promise that fell from a hasty tongue onto the barren ground at your weary feet.

But never for the love you so craved.

But it didn’t matter. You were desperate to be seen, to be loved, so you continued to give your heart away, until now your breath is weak and your chest is empty and you can no longer feel the life force that once pulsed through your veins or the hope that once thrived in your soul.

You allowed the pieces of your heart to fall through the fingers of those who didn’t know how much it was worth.

Because no-one ever told you how much you were worth.

But hearts as valuable as yours were never made for careless hands.

Beloved, come back to yourself.

Roam the earth, far and wide, and gather back the pieces you have lost. Bring them close, dust them off, and place them back inside your chest. Feel as you begin to mend. Watch the way your heart draws back together. Listen to its strength as it beats faster, the way it finds the song that has called your name since the moment you were born into existence.

Beloved, come back to yourself.

For your heart contains the mystery of the universe within its every breath. You are the ferocity of wild storms on a summer night, the whispered hush of the sun as it kisses the horizon. You are the thunder that rattles the windows of cities, the gentle harmonies that wash people clean with their tears. You are the fury of untamed oceans that lash against beaten shores, the softness of rain that lands silently upon fallen leaves. You are madness and chaos, passion and fire, stillness and calm; a beautiful contradiction that leaves the world breathless in your wake.

Beloved, come back to yourself.

No longer give your heart away to those who do not see the beauty that lies within their hands.

Love your own heart with every measure of the love it deserves, so you will never again settle for a love less than everything you have ever been worth.

 

http://www.truth-code.com/2017/04/beloved-come-back-to-yourself.html?utm_source=Join+the+Truth+Code+mailing+list+for+our+most+popular+content&utm_campaign=235df3a03d-TRUTH+CODE+RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a1f99bfeb7-235df3a03d-132010441&mc_cid=235df3a03d&mc_eid=29869c1c25

 

 

It’s a Small World After All…

You know the saying…no news is good news…well we “Betrayeds” usually end up writing when we are down and out and need to vent.

To be honest…with the exception of a few internal setbacks, triggers, and biting memories…I and WE have been absolutely amazing. After all, it has only been a little over a year. So as far as I am concerned, this is major progress and we are truly blessed.

We had recently organised a little family getaway over an orchestrated long weekend and were extremely excited to be able to decompress and spend some quality time together – as our weekends go by too quickly for us. After driving over six hours, finally checking into our hotel, quickly changing into our swimsuits and rushing down to the pool to have a quick swim and a vacation cocktail before dark…my husband goes white like a ghost and whispers to me – “WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM”…

I GASPED…there goes my heart constricting again and I unfortunately immediately thought the worst….”SHE WAS HERE!!!?!!??” and then realised how melodramatic I was being and profusely apologised for jumping to that conclusion. He took a deep breath and said “It is exactly that”. My heart sank…I gasped again.

WTF do we do now? We had no where else to go. All of the hotels in the area were fully booked out. Do we drive back home after being in the car for so long? I panicked. We panicked. WTF?!

My husband immediately wrapped his arms around me…held me closely, asked me to look at him and then softly and sincerely told me how much he loved me…how very sorry he is for everything again (BTW: I hear this a lot from him), how seeing her disgusts him as it reminds him of all of the horrible things he let himself do…how much hurt and pain he has brought to the girls and I…and how he almost lost me and us. He reminded me how far we have come…how amazing we are…how we must try and not let seeing her set us back too much, as we both knew that was going to inevitably happen. How we needed to remain strong together and try to enjoy ourselves as much as possible, as we too deserve this holiday together. (HEAVY SIGH!) A very BIG ASK!

We sat huddled closely together on the lounge chair, with the beach bag still over my shoulder – looking like we had just seen ghosts. Meanwhile our poor kids were inside the pool begging us to come in, but we were glued to the lounge chair with our backs to HER while her husband was swimming right beside them. We couldn’t do anything. We were frozen. It simply broke our hearts that we were letting our kids down….once again.

I did however take advantage of this moment and H’s vulnerability and asked him more questions about the affair, things that I needed to feel he was telling the truth about. He seemed so sincere and honest with his answers which made me feel better, albeit that the truthful words still stung.

We luckily avoided any direct run-ins with her, her husband and baby that evening. However, I was definitely paranoid and was constantly looking around like a rhesus monkey, expecting the worse. Unfortunately I often do this when I go to the supermarket in my home town…always scanning public areas to see if she and her husband are around. Now…here we are…thousands of miles away…and there SHE F@cKing is! COME ON!

I barely slept that night as you can imagine. Major flashbacks were zooming through my mind. My children think I am always sad looking when I am supposed to be happy. We are on vacation for goodness sake. It is so hard for me as I wish they could understand that I am NOT a miserable Beatch…and want to be happy.

The next morning at breakfast was rough for me too, as expected. Thankfully, still no sign of them so far. After, we situated ourselves at the pool on the opposite end of where we saw them sitting the day before. I made sure to position myself with the best visibility to be armed and ready. I was anxiously awaiting to see them and for noon to quickly kick in, so having a cocktail would be deemed acceptable. Grin.

There she was…with her big ass ski slope forehead, pathetic “Olive Oyl” bun wobbling on top of her head and with her man arms pushing her Quinny stroller (but of course) along the pool side. (I know, harsh of me…but I cannot help myself. Still have a lot of hatred and at the same time feel very sorry for her. So please forgive me for my shallowness.) …They didn’t see us.

Finally noon reached…Pina Colada #1 had kicked in good and proper. We were playing cards by the pool with our kids…and the vibes were nice despite that I was on major high alert, as expected. SHE was right at the other end of the pool. HER! WTF! ….And just like that… there she was….slithering into the pool like a smug snake with her perfect ass…(YES. It is still unfortunately absolutely perfect. The Beeatch.) She slowly looked around happy as a lark…and BAM! She saw me! She immediately froze. Then she quickly looked at our kids…then at my Husband and then back at me…to make sure it was in fact me that she was looking at. She is the one that now looks like she saw a ghost! Meanwhile, I was having a little internal conversation with myself during this very moment that went something like this…”yes..it’s me…you Bitch…happy to see me?”…and then I gave her a BIG ASS smile…head tilted and all..and her facial expression changed from shock to a sly CXNT. And with that she slowly turned around and slithered off to the other side of the pool. She then hid behind a large pool statue and eventually crawled out.

What a weird feeling this all was to me. There she was…and I survived. After a few hours with her being nearby the pool…riddled with one more dip in the pool with her husband, but behind the statue…as it was very hot.. They finally packed up and walked the long way around on the grass, with their stroller, to fully avoid us. I wonder if she told her husband that we were there? Knowing her…maybe not.

I felt better after they had left the pool area, as for some reason I felt they were gone for good. So life was good again. After some more fun games, swimming with the kids and yummy Pina Coladas…we fully enjoyed the next two days completely stress free and more in love.

Maybe this “oh so small world” was a good thing after all. 🙂

#EatShitandDieMs.B

An Anniversary NOT to be celebrated!

Well one year has officially passed since my official D Day of December 10, 2015. I don’t know how I have made it this far, but here I am still standing, albeit slightly wobbly every now and then.

I definitely wish I didn’t recall this dreaded date. However, ever since that day…I have become ridiculously and astutely conscious of dates.

I have never hurt like this before…EVER. I never thought I could pull through this darkness and pain. Even though I know there will be setbacks going forward…I am in a much better place mentally and physically. I am still committed to the cause of “fighting the fight” in making our marriage stronger from this and continuing to build our family’s foundation to resist any threats going forward.We are doing extremely well and the love we have for each other has reached new heights. It is AMAZING!

I am consciously working on driving out the darkness…bit by bit…step by step…day by day.

I am trying my best to fight the urge to allow “her” into my thoughts…but unfortunately I am not there as yet…but with time I am certain she will be pushed deeper into my faraway garbage storage where she will hopefully hardly come out from. I have regretfully stalked her profile pic and seen her baby and tattooed eyebrows. The good news is that the baby, a cute little girl, thankfully looks just like her handsome daddy. Funny enough…this was pointed out to me…as for some odd reason I never thought it could be my husband’s baby in the first place. The great news is, as shallow as it is, her eyebrows are hideous and look like big ass rectangles spray painted on using a stencil. This gives me a little evil satisfaction as I am sure she still has her flawless ass. Beeatch!

I recently saw the movie “Collateral Beauty” and realised that is what my husband’s affair has given us. We are a much stronger couple now and are feeling an amazing love once again for each other. And trust me we had some incredible intense soulmate kinda love before life management got in our way and was almost completely destroyed by two very selfish people.

The hardest part for me still exists….accepting the aftermath of it all. The affair is killer but what was done and said after by my husband still hurts me intensely and is what haunts and challenges me in becoming completely pain free. I hope with more time this will also diminish and not negatively affect our progress.

I really do hope one day it will not matter anymore, that we will be free from any further hurt from this affair, that we will be better protected and impenetrable to any outside threats, that we will continue to cherish the second chance we have been given and that our love will continue to become stronger and more alive together.

Since the first D Day – I have learned that time does help..A LOT…and I have come to accept that this affair had way more to do with them than me. This was a hurtful result of two very selfish people that didn’t think about who they were hurting and disrespecting…and the potential irreversible damage they could have caused from their own greedy needs. This of course is disappointing to see this side of my Husband…but I have also learned that no one is perfect and good people can make some fXcked up mistakes.

I am still learning from this devastation. Amidst the ebb and flow of our growing strength as a couple – I know that there is no guarantee and all we can do is try our very best to enjoy the present and relish in the positive times together. These times ARE fleeting and can be stripped away in a heartbeat.

We are spending this Christmas as festive and happy as possible to make up for the dark and painful one we experienced last year. This is my favourite time of the year and I am not allowing the affair nor Ms. B to ever rob me again of enjoying it.

Life for me is like a whole bunch of appropriate life lesson quotes these days…here are a few that currently stand out:

What is coming is better than what is gone…

We cannot start over, but we can begin now and make a new ending…

Have enough courage to trust LOVE one more time.

—

So here’s to what is coming, making new endings and trusting love one more time!

Wishing you all an amazing holiday and Happy New Year when it comes.

Be strong!

2017 – Here we come!

“After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!” – by Linda at emotionalaffair.org

Had to re-post this as it is too good not to share and the link was not accessible for some.

Believe or not this is totally uncharacteristic of me to have such negative feelings against another human being.  Generally, I try to see the good side in everyone.

Realistically, I know I hate the emotional affair more than the person I am attacking, but right now I feel that this is a healthy way to let go of my anger.

I know that I can’t hate Doug, even though he is as much to blame as she is, because that would hinder everything I am trying to do to save our marriage.  And sorry to all you men out there, but women have a way of manipulating you like putty.

Unfortunately, that power erodes when you have been married as long as we have.  So along with my top list of stupid things said during an affair this is my “I hate you Tanya list.”

• I hate you because you broke the unwritten rule among women.  Women support each other. We know how difficult it is being a wife, mother and career women, and when a man comes to you complaining about his wife you should support the woman. You tell him “Of course your wife falls asleep on the couch.  Think about what she does all day.”  Why don’t you ask him what he is doing to make her life easier?  You don’t use that as an opportunity to move in for the kill.

• I hate you because it was so easy for you to make my husband feel good about himself. You were able to be complimentary, laugh at his jokes, and tell him how wonderful he was. You were not living my life.  It was different for me.  You were on a constant vacation with my husband.

• I hate you because you were always able to appear funny, happy, free spirited, and then you could go home and be your true self. I didn’t have that luxury; my true self was there for my husband to see from the time I woke up until I collapsed in bed at night. There was no place to hide and sometimes it wasn’t very pretty.

• I hate you because you had all the control. You knew how to keep the affair going, how to push my husband’s buttons and you knew what he was feeling and thinking.  I felt like I didn’t know him at all.

• I hate you because you were always available to meet my husband’s needs.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; I had a difficult job and three children at home who occupied a lot of my time.

• I hate you because you had all the power.  You knew everything that my husband was unhappy about in his marriage and you used that to your advantage. You always had the upper hand and I was helpless.

• I hate you because you used every opportunity to weed yourself into our lives. You did so while we were on vacations, camping trips, evenings, weekends; your presence was always there by phone calls or text.

• I hate you because you didn’t have the guts to do something about your own bad marriage.  Instead you found someone who was married  to make you feel better about yourself.

• I hate you because you made my husband forget why he loved me, his family and his life.

• I hate you because you listened so intently while my husband was telling you how “unsatisfying” his marriage was.  You appeared so understanding, but of course you didn’t give a shit since he wasn’t unsatisfied with you.

• I hate that my husband gave you everything I ever needed from him.  You received his undivided attention, appreciation, admiration, compliments and you didn’t have to do his laundry, bare his children, or take care of him in return.

• I hate you because I lost my sense of security and trust.

• I hate you because you took away my confidence.  Because of you I constantly question if I am happy, pretty, funny, outgoing and skinny enough to satisfy my husband.

• I hate you because the husband I thought I knew and loved was not that man anymore, and I had to learn who he was, how to forgive him and how to love him again.

• I hate you because even though you are not in our lives anymore you are a constant image in my mind.  Your name, your face, a sign, a memory can take a happy day and turn it into a sad one.

• I hate you because you never thought about me and the pain you were causing.

• I hate you because I will never look at my husband the same way again.

• I hate you because I will never be the same person again.  My childlike qualities of being trusting and somewhat naïve will never be there again.  Instead I feel like I walk around afraid to truly experience life for fear of being hurt.

• I hate you because you took away something so very precious to me–my husband’s heart. That is something that I will never forget, forgive or understand because it was never yours to take.

There.  I’ve got that off my chest.  Believe it or not, I feel much better now.  You should really give this a try.  This allowed me to take some of the burden of their emotional affair and transfer it out of my mind, if only for a little while.

After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!

I Hate You!

I am having another weak moment. Maybe it has something to do with the 14% extra gravitational pull from the recent supermoon. Please therefore go easy on me with this post!

I know I am and we are on the road to recovery. I know that in order to keep growing stronger individually and together as a couple I need to push these thoughts away. But it is so frigging hard.

I blame my husband first and foremost for the hurt he has caused me from this affair. He had made horrible choices and we both have to live with it for the rest of our lives and accept that it is a long and difficult journey with no guarantee.

However, I am still stuck when it comes to her. I just can’t cant seem to get “her” out of my head. Thoughts and images of her still haunt me on a daily basis. All of the pictures that my husband took of her, the sexy and cute ones that she had sent to him…her loving words in her messages, letters, cards, emails…the memories of all of the interactions between her and my husband…I just wish I was strong enough to resist letting all of these flashes of her into my world. They sear through my being and I am trying so hard to fight them off, but unfortunately I am still not strong enough.

I will NEVER forgive her even if she owes me absolutely nothing and has no direct ties to me. Despite all of what my husband has done to us and me (and he does take full responsibility for his actions)…She TOO is NOT a good person and has stolen something special from me that I can never get back. The innocence of my certainty of our marriage and what it once was. My trust, security and safety are all gone! My heart is broken into pieces. None of it was hers for the taking. She played a significant role in encouraging my husband to cross the line…over and over. I know he allowed her in and as a result let her take advantage of him and by association us. He allowed her to steal precious quality time with him away from us and break down our beautiful bond that we once shared. But she was there on the other side with her “bits” hanging over his head luring him into her web. She took full advantage of our marriage being vulnerable and went in for the kill without any remorse.

I will never lower myself to her level…but I am still hurting and simply hate her. I often wish she could read my blog to see all of the pain and damage that she has caused. Not that she would care. Her parents must be so disappointed that she turned out this way.

The below link is similar to the way I feel…just because!

Here ya go Ms. B! and YES…I HATE YOU!!

After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!

“Watch Out for the Under Toad!”

Just when I think I am doing so well…a teeny tiny “straw” breaks the camel’s back and I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat.  I am trying my hardest to not let myself go backwards, get caught in the current and drown in the overwhelming undertow of my insecurities and horrible memories of the affair and setbacks that have taken place over the last 10 months. I keep reading that “we Betrayeds” MUST fight the urge to allow ourselves to think about the past, dwell on what has happened and relive the pain over and over…as it isn’t doing any of us any good whatsoever. However, for some sick macabre reason I sometimes catch myself caught up in the immense current of my negative thoughts. Maybe this is how Garp felt in his life while dealing with his “Under Toad” (from the story “The World According to Garp” by John Irving).

I believe it is a combination of many microscopic to woolly mammoth sized triggers and vulnerable moments that weaken my “firewall” and allow these dark hurtful thoughts to seep in and enable me to overthink things way too much and unnecessarily so. Yet here I am…fighting the urge to go “there”, losing the battle and end up hiding the tears that well up in my eyes and tolerating the large painful knots in my stomach. Trying not to pay attention to the never ending flashes of the affair, the hundreds (400+) of souvenir photos that they took to reminisce together each of their romantic escapes, the cute and provocative emails and messages shared right under my nose…all of the hurtful things he repeatedly did with her and all of the dignity that he allowed the both of them to strip away from me…even if she doesn’t owe me anything at all. They ALL zoom around in my thoughts like a laser show in the sky when I get weak.

Triggers. I have been trying to fight off so “freaking” many of them. TV shows, movies, random innocent comments made by friends and our kids, almost all of the popular songs on the radio, every morning when I open our blackout curtains, our cute little dog that she picked out (the dog that my kids adore…the same dog that is still in one of her flipping social media profile pictures and the one I greet every morning), several thoughts of her unfortunately lurking around in my sub conscience…I truly don’t want to give the affair or her any more power than they already have in my mind, and yet here they are…sneaking in through my oh so very weak and vulnerable areas.

Some may say I welcome these thoughts…who knows…maybe the sicko in me does? However, I do know that my husband and I are doing really well. We are communicative, doing fun things together and extremely attentive and loving with each other…I guess things seem too good to be true maybe? Or maybe I have been burned so badly that I just expect something bad to soon happen again? Or it is the pangs from all of the raw scars that still lurk around that hit me when I least expect it. I try to fight them with all my might…but sometimes I lose and get sucked right into the force from that @#$%^&**&^%$#  “Under Toad”. I need to find the escape route fast from this wasteland of hurt and TRY my hardest to never look back.

In my husband’s so-called 10 page apology….aka “love story”…it started out with a warning – saying that most often it isn’t the affair that kills a marriage, but how the Betrayed manages and deals with the aftermath is what determines the outcome. I remind myself of this daily…but the human in me often wins because I can’t help but want to “go there”…where I should just let bygones be bygones and get on with life. Sad that “we Betrayeds” have to deal with this “killer” and keep it at bay before it kills us. We all know it almost did before and very well could try to do it again. There is simply no guarantee. (I grew up! Remember?)

I don’t want to be like Garp and let this anxiety and fear suck me under, only for me to realise when it’s too late. I don’t want to let this strong current drag me down as I am only allowing it to try and derail our relationship from recovering, rebuilding and becoming even stronger. If I am not careful – it could even push us toward a deathtrap where it cannot be ever mended. I need to just STOP and let life happen as it should. This is easier said than done and believe me I AM trying to LET IT the F@#K GO!!!

YES – I AM a continued work in progress…

Maybe I should call Ms. B…”the @#$%^&* Under Toad”!!!!